there is nowhere you can hide

Our Story

2009-11-27T09:31:19Z

This is an edited compilation of a few conversations I've had with people about my experiences with Mia. I sort of dropped off the face of the earth and some friends I'd thought were siding against me more...didn't ever get to hear my side. I want to archive it; if you know the story it's not really necessary to read it XD No update here, sorry. But please no wank? That'd be nice. 8D;

to be honest, i was...really broken up about it. like...in retrospect, i think my whole depression and poor health and mental breakdown everyone was worried over wasn't stress, work, and school like i thought it was... i can look back and sort of recognize it all as me splintering up over mia. it took me months XD; to work through it. so...i'm sorry everyone got the impression that i didn't care.

i was at my wit's end, really. and...honestly, sort of avoiding the internet because...even if it wasn't mia i was talking TO, it would be her i was talking ABOUT, and...i couldn't. funnily enough, i think of all the people in my life that mia'd touched, i'm the...most healed Oo; nini is still mad at her, and cakes actually defriended her after this thing with eve--apparently mia was really insulting in some unfiltered post or something.

anyway. i don't...i'm not sure where to start, in telling my story. iono. i was just...so upset because--okay, in my speculations on things, i sort of came to the conclusion that the reason mia and i became friends in the first place was RP. same way she met Angie, and Marianne, and Eve. we rp'd, reno and tifa specifically, and they were like OTP and it was amazing and we were obsessed with it, stayed up until dawn rp'ing it and talked about it all the time when we couldn't rp.

and then...when times got hard, when we couldn't afford food or if/when she'd had a bad day at work, she'd be too hungry/tired/upset to rp and...it got frosty. like...she'd be cranky and i'd be unnerved and avoidant, because...there was nothing i could do, you know? so i'd avoid her because she'd be mad, and then she'd get over being mad and i'd still be avoiding her, and that'd make her mad again, so when i checked in with her, yup she's still mad--and at the time it didn't occur to me that she was upset with ME.

but...after the fallout with callie, who "broke" her reno muse so we couldn't write our OTP anymore, we started drifting apart, i think--because i'm fairly sure that with our really different outlooks on life, RP really was the only thing HOLDING us together. iono what happened with eve...but if i had to guess? their OTP writing renji and orihime together dissolved just before they started having IRL problems :<

anyway...yeah, once mia couldn't/wouldn't rp reno with my tifa, it just got harder and harder, and...and it got to the point where she was always mad, and i was always scared of her, and she always felt avoided--because i WAS avoiding her--and i always felt victimized because she was so MAD at me when i hadn't done anything but try and help her be happy.

so.............yeah. and one day i came home from school and she was digging around in her closet and had a big mess strewn everywhere. and i asked her what was going on...and she said she was rearranging the closet. so i left it at that, that she was rearranging the closet, since i had to go to work...and i came home from work and she told me she'd lied, and that she was moving out. she said our differences were irreconcilable. she said she was moving out because things weren't working out, and weren't GOING to work out, and that she was starting to hate me and nini, and she wanted to leave before that hate solidified.

and...i told her that if she felt she'd be happier without me, that she should move out. that she SHOULD get out before it was too late. i told her that i wanted her to be happy. and that if she would be happier if she moved out, then i wanted her to do that. and then i told her that if she needed breathing room (another thing she said she needed; that i was always there and she never had any space) that i would give her that too.

so...it was like 1:30 am because i'd come home from work...and...i just sort of...packed up all my shit--which was my laptop and comp stuff in my laptop case, and all my clothes in the...laundry basket, since i didn't have a dresser or anything for my stuff anyway. and i threw them in my car and...just drove away :< and about twelve seconds into the drive i called phil, whose been my friend for ten years--and was helping me try and make up with mia before that.

like...i brought TWO boys over. two. i'm not sure why that counts as me "flaunting" them, as mia put it. one boy was will, who i was dating. and then after the intervention when i started trying to connect with people again, i texted all sorts of folks a "<3!" and phil was one of them. phil, whom i've known for a decade. and we'd dated briefly before that (before we broke up because mia was upset and jealous about it; she wanted to date me instead. only she didn't like physical contact, so it was like...weird. anyway).

so...when i started hanging out with phil again, and mia was ALREADY pissed and jealous at me, i just started...iono, we fell into it, and things just clicked. and i called will and broke things off and picked things back up with phil. if that was me "flaunting" then...iono. but. that's what happened.

phil like...would just show up at the apartment because i'd text him frantic because mia was mad at me. and we'd just drive around, get some ice cream, and he'd just listen to me cry and sob and lament that no matter WHAT i did i just couldn't do anything right, and that mia hated me, and that nini hated me, and that mia had more time to be online so my friends were getting more of her side than mine, and that my online friends were turning on me and there wasn't anything i could do. and just...all sorts of torn-up emotional stuff.

so when mia announced she was moving out, and i just left...i started crying so bad i couldn't see the road, so i pulled over and called phil. since. i mean...it was 2 am. it was phil or cakes and...cakes has her own issues. so phil talked to me til...actually XD phil talked to me til i got to cakes's house. and i slept at her house and then got up four hours later to go to work. and after work i went to my mom's house and i...i don't know. i just...i was giving mia space, to breathe, to get her stuff together, and to move out.

it took her a MONTH to leave. but i...couldn't go back. what would i have done? sleep on the couch like some chastised lover? sleep in the same bed with her? so i slept...on my mom's couch, and at phil's house. and tried...working through things. figuring things out.

i started healing, started...looking at things from outside the confines of my emotions, i guess? mia wanted space, but really...i think i was the one who got space. to look at things with an outside perspective... and since i was living on my mom's COUCH, i didn't really...have much time to lounge around on the internet XD; i was working, commuting to and from work and--possibly school? i can't remember...i think it was the first term of summer so i didn't have school?--and my free time was spent hanging out with phil (and my other old-time friends) and talking about mia, my emotions, things that were bothering me, getting perspectives, talking with my family...

just...relying on people i still trusted, not to abandon me or hate me for no reason or misunderstand me when i was trying to create my own happiness, you know? i'm sorry i cut you out, but i just...i wanted to talk to people outside the situation. and i garnered a lot of support and love and...yeah.

and then mia moved out--and the day before she was moving out, i paid to take her and nini out for lunch, all together. to try and clear the air and make peace, because i thought i'd healed enough to make that happen. i don't know if that was my failing or if miia wasn't open to it or what. but...nini and i made up, and mia was still mad at me. so. iono. she left, and i came back to the apartment, and nini and i cleaned and moved stuff--i'm living in the other room now, and nini's got the master bedroom--and i still worked on myself.

it's seriously only been maybe a month of me being decently adjusted. i mean...my best friend. just...inexplicably...hated me. it was a lot to adjust TO, i guess. and by the time i could handle things, i'd fallen so far out of FLT and you'd already torn me a new one on lj, so i was pretty sure FLT and CM both just...hated me. so i...don't know. i just...left everyone alone. i assumed they didn't want to talk to ME.

strangely enough, a few of MIA'S friends pinged me and were like "hey are you okay?" and stuff. one of mia's long-time friends, steph, was so supportive and loving and really, i count her among my closest friends now. but i guess i just didn't want to make waves...and i figured that if anyone wanted to talk to me ever again, they'd ping me or look me up. like you did <3

so...yeah. i made up with callie, whom mia and i had...totally berated and mudslinged and had a huge falling out with and...with new perspective, i apologized to her. and basically said that i'd reviewed my past behaviors and opinions, and that i owed it to both of us to say i was sorry, whether or not she wanted to forgive me. and...she forgave me, and is a friend again now too.

phil broke up with me :< he was right to, too. i was so fucked up and broken inside, and i...don't know if i was seeking to replace mia with him or what. but i was like "phil i love you. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me". and phil's got HIS own issues with dating and commitment and love, and he was really uncomfortable. but honestly--and i don't know if he even realized it at the time--but i just...NEEDED someone to love me, who still loved me, who cared about me and wouldn't hate me for no reason, who would TALK to me when there were problems and...yeah.

it was unhealthy. and he ended it and i was broken up AGAIN. i accused him of abandoning me, "just like SHE did!" and it was at that point that i was like "holy fuck i'm a nutcase O_O!" so i took a few more months. a whole lot MORE tears, crying in the shower, crying myself to sleep, questing for who i AM and what *I* want to be, and... ...somewhere along the way, i remembered how to love myself. and when i remembered how to do that, it hit me that...at some point i'd FORGOTTEN how to love myself.

so yeah, it's taken a lot of adjustment and introspection...but i'm happier now than i've ever been (lol as i wibble and fight not to cry typing this all out) and...my life is good. i couldn't really explain at the time, but...i started moving in the right direction. what happened to my goals, my dreams? who WAS i, and where was i going? somewhere along the way, i'd stopped being me and following the horizon i'd wanted to follow, and became...trapped, twisted and stunted.

i think i needed mia in my life--at the risk of sounding too whimsically space-cadet zen or psychotic cult member or however mia called me. i think i brought her into my life for a reason--i loved her, and i believe she loved me <3 she and i were ultimately incompatible as friends, but she taught me a lot, showed me things i might never have sought out on my own, and...changed my life in innumerable ways.

she hurt me and...gave up on me and LEFT me, but...that, too, was what i needed, i think. i'm sad; i'd hoped that her leaving me might have...helped HER grow too. but she's just gone and done the same thing again with eve. but while i've got no pity or sympathy for mia now...i do have gratitude, some hope for her yet, and...a manner of love still. i...have dreams, on occasion. where she's there, and she's made good for herself, and she's happy. and she usually hugs me and tells me that she was sorry for the way things went down, and that she'd discovered how to be happy...

honestly? the first time i had a dream like that was last month? and i woke up so...warmed, and happy--and that was when it hit me that i'd forgiven her, totally, and bore no ill will. i...really do just want her to be happy. and while i will admit that i think if/when she ever does figure that out, she'll probably seek me out and apologize--i'd probably be one of a list of people she'd seek out and apologize to--and while i'll admit that i...am well aware she may never actually get there...it's not really selfish, i don't think.

if she apologized, it'd be...probably just as gentle and easy as when i did with callie. i'm not here to gloat or point and laugh or anything; forgiveness has always been infinitely better than grudges. i don't...think i could LIVE still angry. so while i've already forgiven her, there's...really no way she'd know until she contacted me. same as you <3

Tabletop Game Engine

2009-11-05T05:30:08Z

EDIT: I nixed this here since I moved all the game stuff to its own website. Check here for the engine info. ♥!

Anon. Love

2009-10-18T07:38:39Z

Some of you may know this already, but I have a tendency to spout off rather impromptu and detailed compliments and love for people. After some debate and discussion, I've set up a 'love' tag on my LJ, so when the urge strikes me to love on someone who isn't online, I can still write it out and be rather assured they'll see it (since most people check their flist more than I do *fail fail fail*).

This also opens up the possibility of Anon. Love--which is, no, not love for anons and their frequent wanky wankfests, but love that goes out to an undisclosed person. I've done things kind of like this before, where I just post random compliments/complaints all together and they all refer to different people, but...apparently I have a tendency to officialize everything I do, so.

These are all directed at specific people. Word on the street is, I'm pretty damn specific about my compliments--everyone should probably be able to guess which ones are theirs. They're a bit shorter than my usual fare, but it's hard to pontificate without disclosure, so. ...I end a lot of sentences with 'so'.

Also! I couldn't get to everybody on this, so here are the folks who are loved on in this post: CAKES, CALLIE, CA'TE, KORII, SEREY, SAKKI, and STEPH. Nini, you are getting your own post just for you <3 Don't think you are forgotten!

Anyway, here it is:

1. I've come to think of your journey as something of my own life in retrograde, if I had made other choices and met other people. Not to say that I regret where I am, mind you, but I am so happy for you and where you have gone in your life. For a long time now I have viewed you as a peer and if not a personal role model, then a role model for people who are looking for one. Words cannot express how proud I am of you.

2. You are so easy to talk to, perhaps because you have a natural empathy that not only lets you feel along with how other people are feeling, but entreats others to open up to you. Thank you so much for listening to me when I needed to talk; you think you're not very good at advice but the solace in your listening should never be underestimated. I love you; you are absolutely fantastic, and I hope to know you for a very long time.

3. I believe I can honestly say that you have done more to reinstill my self-confidence than anyone else. Your ear and shoulder have been unwavering despite your scarcity; it's almost uncanny the way you are there when I need you, considering how infrequently I catch you online. You listen well and impose judgments rarely--you are the first person to see me with an objective eye and ask for my perspective with an open mind. I won't say never change, because change is the breath of life, but it would be hard for you to change for the better.

4. I love your self-analysis. You have such a fascinating grasp on yourself that even when you're emotional and irrational, you can come out and say, "Sorry, I'm being irrational. Give me some time." There are so few people who are in tune with themselves enough to realize that, let alone acknowledge it and act (or choose not to act) upon it. I admire that about you. I always have.

5. I have never met someone so enduringly compassionate as you are. Even when people have wronged you, you can find it within yourself to not only forgive them, but to still care about their thoughts and feelings--it's incredible to witness, and somewhat breathtakingly humbling to be beholden to. I owe some of the most powerful and enduring friendships in my life to forgiveness and compassion, and I am continuously grateful that as one of the people I sought to bring back into my life, you were gracious enough to let me. Thank you, forever.

6. We hardly talk these days, but I still find your capricious amusement at practically everything under the sun very refreshing. It brings an ease to any situation, even if you aren't actively participating; I'm always a little brighter when you're around.

7. I love the thought and ingenuity you put into your writing. The way you can take an antagonist and justify every action, explain every sentiment, and impart every sense of wrongdoing without absolving the character is nothing short of amazing. I have respected you since day one and the more I see, the more I know that respect is warranted.

8. There is something ineffable about how zen you are. A lot of folks accuse me of being too calm or at peace, too aloof or too unconcerned about the mindless toils of daily life, but perhaps that's why I appreciate it in you so much. Sure, certain things will bother one of us, but emotions are human and there's no reason we shouldn't have our bouts of upset. One thing I love so much about you is how despite the stormy seas, the serene harbor is your default, and no matter what the outrage or the heartbreak...sooner or later it's smooth sailing again. I guess it makes me feel not so alone in that regard. Thank you.

9. I find myself feeling bad that I don't know you better--I've known friends of yours longer, and more closely, and so you always feel like this mysterious nexus of awesome around which so many of us revolve. I respect you so much; people I respect and admire in turn respect and admire you, and I sometimes wonder what it is that's kept me squirming into your circle, aside from a potentially misplaced humility.

10. I love your writing! Your insights are amazing, and the quality and depth of character you can portray is phenomenal. There are only two people I know whom I would call genius in that regard, and you are one of them. I'm so very glad to know you, and it is a pleasure seeing you write.

11. The strength of character you possess and the charisma you display are so powerful, and when I say I honestly believe you could be anything in the world you wanted to be, it is not the generic caveat it sounds like. I know you have no interest in being an astronaut, and likely you don't want to be a doctor--I am not saying you could be anything, because it cheapens the sentiment. But I know that you will someday be whatever it is you set your mind to becoming, because your mind is sharp, your heart is strong, and these will guide you to the right choice, one with the power to make you truly happy and successful.

12. You are so laudably affable I almost feel guilty intruding--and I likely would if not for the fact that you are, as I just said, so damned friendly. There is something about you that I think just makes people feel welcome and wanted; you always seem interested in other people's feelings, concerned about their well-being, and mindful of their concerns. I won't assert that I doubt anyone could feel unwelcome around you, but I will say that anyone who doesn't feel the love while you're around is either stupid or trying way too hard to be offended.

13. We don't talk much, but that doesn't stop you from inspiring me. You are the bright-eyed idealist unjaded, the revolutionary undeterred, the performer unbilled and yet applauded. I am never not in awe of you, if only for the way you live your life with deliberation. It reminds me that I, too, know how to live that way, and helps sweep away the dust that's settled over me as of late. You forever remind me that dust and failure are only temporary; it is the sparkle of life that endures.

14. You are always, inexplicably, inexorably green in my head. The green shifts and changes, between bright happy nonchalant green, a deep morbidly dark green, a mischievous demonic green, and so on, but always some shade of green. There is something constantly awesome about it; the dynamics you add to any situation are so much fun--not many people can pull off green, so thanks.

15. Your sharp wit, intellect, and the generally infectious nature of your enthusiasm make you a joy to conspire with and a delight to know. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way; regardless of what gets muttered in the unattributed static, the only complaint I could ever have is that so many people clamor for your attention. You are an eternal pleasure to fraternize with, and I know you will always have a hundred voices willing to outshout the few.

16. It is said that we are our own worst critics, and I think you are the one who proves that adage for me. You are so critical of yourself, always scrutinizing what you could do better and how you could improve, that you miss just how awesome you are. And in it's own weirding way, the fact that you do that helps me remember to keep an eye towards the positive--not just your successes (which I will always be happy to point out), but my own as well. Thank you so much for reminding me of how far I still have to go, and making me remember just how far the two of us have come.

17. Your self-consciousness and insecurity is entirely unwarranted. I know how it feels to wonder if your presence is wanted and your perspective appreciated; I also know that you can never hear too many times that you are loved. So here it is, in paragraph form: for every time you doubt yourself, I will be merely one of many to remind you that you are wonderful.

18. I have never met someone with a perspective on the universe so akin to my own as you. You're brilliant, spiritual without being dependent, and philosophical without being recursive. I love the talks we have, and the talks we don't need to have; there is something so inexpressibly comforting in saying what you truly mean in the way you truly mean to say it...and having someone understand. Thank you for that understanding. I feel like I could say anything and have you know what I meant, or that I could say nothing and still have you understand. There is something so kindred in my friendship with you, and I find I can regret nothing in my life because it has catalyzed my knowing you.

19. I love the way inside jokes crop up around you. All it takes is a poorly-worded phrase and in thirty seconds the wisecracks are cropping up and bursting like water balloons spiked with pink glitter. I don't even have to be around for the genesis; the way you carry the inane and silly with you lets you share it with the masses--sometimes with minimal explanation. Your inside jokes somehow manage to stay 'inside' without excluding anyone.

20. I can always trust you to be honest, which is fairly rare in itself. What is even more rare, and even more wonderful, is that I can always trust you to be nice. Even when you're saying something negative, I know you'll come to me and be straight about it, but in a non-confrontational way. It never ceases to astound me how you can bring issues to the table in a way that doesn't make anyone feel defensive; it really feels like you're trying for resolution, not accusation, and it's something I wish I could do better. Thank you for always being a truthful person, and thank you for maintaining sensitivity while broaching those truths.

21. Thank you, so much, for always giving a damn. I've seen you show up in a bad mood and vent about it, and then turn right around and cheer other people up--once you even went out of your way to cheer up someone who was upset they couldn't help you feel better. I would worry about you for it if you didn't seem to have such a strong sense of self. It's clear you choose to do it out of love for your friends, rather than out of some sense of obligation to cheer people who are down. Thank you for being such a good friend. May the laws of physics allow your infinite damn given to return to you threefold.

(Hint: each person has three. Ilu! ♥)

Lol guys, I took that quiz as Tifa...

2009-09-10T18:04:41Z

To-Do List

2009-09-09T19:40:21Z

ASAP
Finish reading book.
Read through Stef's beta notes.
Implant beta notes in tales_of_the for quick reference.
Check to make sure all mentioned issues are fixed.
Finish plot outline.
Redo Awakening document with new changes.
Finish submissions packet.
Submit novel.
Do renshuushiyou assignment.

General
~~Get tablet from Cakes.~~
Make maps awesome.
Moar Publishing packets.
Work on Hols fic.
Clean up boxes in living room.
Make apartment look nice.
Clean up after Ranmaru.
Tidy up room.
Fold laundry.
Put away laundry.
Tidy up bathroom.
Clean bathroom.
~~Clean out inbox.~~
Ping Mia for neo_shinra_hq password.
Get an author's update on the fic since it's dead.

Time Permitting
Help Steph with her webmastering.
App Auron.
Go see my mom.
Go hang with Phil.
Go see my dad: 3pm Sunday @ Mandola's
Redo LJ theme. :o
Read Bloody Monday.
Read BECK.
Read Sakki's one manga.

Monday: 21st
Back to work! ^_^

Bills
Thursday 10th: paycheck
Monday 14th: $293.87 electric bill
call with confirmation number 257314
need to set up services in own name ($200)
need to be backbilled through 8/19 ($88.10)
expect bill around 10/8

Tuesday 15th: $200 auto loan pull
AND $25 savings pull
AND have bank call call credit card company
need to get erroneous cash advances reversed
will pull from checking $25 and $96.97
AND transfer Nini $100

Before 21st: $200 credit card payment due

pay $86.70 cable payment past due
call to cancel service in old name
establish new service w/ high-bandwidth
bother Travis for cable payment (CR through 25th)

Thursday 24th: paycheck
Thursday 1st: $795 rent

Thursday 8th: paycheck
Friday 9th: first electric bill ~$300+usage
Thursday 15th: $200 auto loan pull
AND $25 savings pull
Wednesday 21st: $200 credit card payment

Thursday 22nd: paycheck
Sunday 1st: rent $795

TEMP! \o/

2009-09-05T18:02:24Z

The following is a temporary page for the comm Steph made for us to practice Japanese on. renshuushiyou 8D

Recently graduated? Still in school but feeling like your classes aren't teaching you enough? Just returned from abroad? Living abroad but unmotivated to keep brushing up on your kanji-writing or reading skills?

DON'T FORGET JAPANESE!!! Join the Nihongo wo Wasurenaide Circle, and we can all practice together! Assignments are weekly, highly flexible, and pretty much dependent on what you (as a full-time worker, student, unemployed person, etc.) can manage, since you choose it yourself.

This circle idea was coined by lady_tigerfish, sakuratsukikage and gryfeathr when we all got to lamenting how much our skills have slipped since studying abroad and regular classwork were there to help us out, but anyone who's freaking out about losing language skills, or who just plain wants to practice, can join. All levels are welcome, although if you're nearly fluent, you might be teaching the people going over your homework more than they're teaching you ~_^ Speaking of which, if you're a very good Japanese speaker who just wants to join to help others get the hang of things (very kind of you indeed), you are also welcome!

You can join (or leave) at any time, and you'll never have to worry about it showing up on your transcript ~_^.

How It Works

The standard rotation for the circle's assignments are weekly, first A. reading, then B. listening comprehension, and finally C. writing; we have also considered adding an occasional speaking section, wherein two-person meetings are conducted through Skype and pairs are selected by level and scheduling convenience (this part's still in the works, so just the main three for now!).

In addition, we think a weekly or every-other-weekly kanji drill is in order. Nothing big; just, say, a page out of one of your old workbooks you never got to, or some practice of basic kanji you've forgotten how to write (if you're anything like us, there's a bigger gap between what you can read and what you can write on command than you're entirely comfortable with). If you're hurting for kanji to practice, give us your level, and we'll see if we can scan something from our own workbooks for you to chew on. We feel like kanji practice alone is too little to devote one full week to, and posting assignments might prove difficult without a scanner, which some people don't have, but...it's good to practice, and we'd love to see your submissions if you've got any!

Every Monday, an assignments post is made, telling everyone what the week's focus is (either reading, listening comprehension, or writing) and whether or not a kanji practice is recommended for that week. Gauge your week, and sign up for a homework in the comments, specifying what you're going to read/listen to and how much of it you plan to finish (three paragraphs, six pages, ten minutes, etc). The more concrete your goals, the better!

A submissions post will be made shortly thereafter, and you have until the following Monday to leave a comment with your completed homework. It can be pasted into the comment (just reply to your own comments until the whole thing's posted, if it's long), or be a link to your personal journal--just make sure it's not flocked on us.

A. Reading material can be anything at your level (or above it; it never hurts to aim high!) you want to read: a novel, a short story, a newspaper article, a poem, a manga, that doujin you picked up and never got around to translating. You set the parameters for how much or little you read per week based on what you can manage, and you post your translations (along with any things you got stuck on that the circle might be able to help you figure out, such as what a seemingly-incongruous word means in context) to the community at the end of the week.

B. Listening material can likewise be anything at your level you want to listen to and translate. Our gryfeather is ace at finding interesting Japanese podcasts, and once we get this circle properly set up, we'll get her to post a list of them. Seriously, though, anything that requires you to listen to and understand Japanese without aid is fine: anime or j-dramas (with the subtitles off), news broadcasts, podcasts, songs.

C. Writing practice will be based around a weekly prompt, much like the essays you probably did in class. Who supplies the prompt will rotate each time the writing assignments come up--which means you will have to provide one eventually, but not every time the writing component comes up. You set the length of your essay based on what, given your schedule and pace, you think you can compose in a week.

Dear Other, a poem

2009-09-01T22:42:57Z

and it is here, in the waking moments between my dreams and your reality
that i feel the difference between who i am and who you want to be
these muted colors of natural light cascading in my window
the white light of clouds obscuring your sun
i hear your company in my heart
dancing, a welcome guest who may never want to leave
but must away as time wears on
sorrow, your time with me invaluable
the tears we share so real and yet so strange

timeless, as they fall; surreal in memory
i do not grieve at your departure but know
someday and soon you will return
to dance your tearful dance and change me from this pumpkin of a girl
into, for a few hours, something glittering and crystalline
unique and fragile, something different
someone wild and strange, and not unfeeling

the laughter dancing upon my lips in these moments
cannot fathom the laments we sing together
the lightness of this heart knows nothing of darkness's hollow halls
so sorrow, you may come and go
just as mirth does, and ire too
but i know you when you are gone
as i do they when i'm with you

Fic Update :o

2009-08-21T21:32:49Z

I've unflocked all my fic posts--not the notes to myself and timelines etc, but the fic posts themselves. All...three of them. Keep in mind that these are under construction here in my LJ; they would be officially posted elsewhere when they are finished.

"Beyond Good & Evil" is hosted at neo_shinra_hq; "Crossing the Rubicon" is hosted at cave_rufum. These two fics are collaborative with kawree, with whom I've had a falling out, so they may be on permanent suspension.

"Tales of the Known World" is my original series, which I am currently working to publish. It is flocked and hosted at tales_of_the. Check it out if you like original fiction.

Mostly, the fic chunks are here so I can link betas, people I'm flailing to, and inquisitive folk. They are not completed nor cohesive; they are scenes meant to fit a greater whole. But they are a pretty good example of my fic writing style, and fairly juicy tidbits IMHO.

KH Fic

2009-04-02T22:53:47Z

Title: Case of Tifa: Exhausted armistice
Author(s): aenigmadarai
Rating: PG-13 for language
Dateline: Three weeks after Sora and Riku defeat Xemnas

Tifa registered the knock on her door in a drunken haze. It couldn't be Axel, or Roxas--even if she hadn't just proven to herself once and for all that neither of them were ever coming back to her, she knew they wouldn't have bothered knocking. She was alone, and unless her company was going to be heralded with the soft echoing whoosh of a portal opening in the living room, she had no interest in seeing anyone.

Of course, Squall Leonhart rarely seemed to give a rat's ass what she wasn't interested in, and today seemed to be no exception. He knocked once more, a little louder and more insistently, and then called out, "...Tifa?" No answer. "Are you okay?"

She'd been planning to just ignore him until he went away, but when he asked if she was okay, a miserable half-sob wrenched out of her and she banged on the door with the back of her fist from where she sat, sprawled on the floor with a bottle of bourbon in the other hand, her back against the wall beside the door frame. "Go away." She didn't want a lecture, some overly noble and pitying soul coming to help her, to take the bottle from her hand and tell her how she needed to pick herself up and get on with her life--and oh, a perfect way to do that would be to help repair the town!

Bastard.

A long silence ensured, and Leon considered wandering off just as she'd demanded--she'd made a pretty vicious cut at him the last they'd talked, made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him. Leon wasn't even sure what he was doing there, aside from checking in on her; she hadn't left her house since she'd gotten back from Destiny Islands, no one had seen her, and...well, he was worried. Cid said she'd been crying...

"No," he refused, folding his arms and contenting himself to yell through the door. If she wanted to be childish about this, then he'd play along. "Open up."

Letting out a dry, mocking laugh, she banged the door again, this time with the bottom of her bottle of bourbon. "Oh Squall, you've always been such a charmer," she belittled, her words somewhat slurred; Leon could hear the alcohol in her voice through the door.

"...Tifa, let me in," entreated the man, much softer this time, as he rested a hand on the door like he could somehow make it immaterial so he could pass through.

"Why?" she demanded, the hint of anger in her voice drowned out by what Leon could only imagine was drunken sorrow.

What was he playing at? Why was he here? What'd he want from her? "I don't need a lecture, Squall. I don't need anyone to come around and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I don't need--"

"I thought you could use a friend, Tifa," interrupted Leon, turning his back to the door and leaning on it with a dull thunk. "You've been holed up for almost a week now--"

She didn't even hear anything after the word friend. A friend? Gods, could she use a friend. A wry, broken laugh cracked out of her; she didn't even realize Squall had stopped talking. "I could," she agreed; "unfortunately, all my friends are dead or gone..." Cloud, Roxas, Axel...even Squall had been her friend once. But he'd left her too, and with less remorse than Cloud did. At least Cloud had the decency to act properly ashamed about it. Squall just acted like it was her fault.

Startled, and stung even though he knew he shouldn't have felt that way, Leon drew in a breath and let his arms fall to his sides. "...No they're not," he refuted quietly, feeling somehow like he'd failed her; how did she always manage to make him feel like the bad guy when she was the one holed up and antisocial? He was standing there risking a vicious verbal barrage all for her sake, and somehow that made him the jerk.

Tifa's aching scoff didn't penetrate the door, and Leon stood there in uncomfortable silence, refusing to leave her alone but not entirely willing to keep up a one-sided conversation with the door. Shuddering against the senseless and inane hope that'd flared up in her at Squall's words, Tifa took another long drag on her bourbon and coughed wretchedly at the burning of it, her eyes watering, her throat stinging, her lungs clenching; she wasn't sure how long she sat there, sobbing and spluttering, but then it finally occurred to her that Squall wasn't talking anymore.

Still, she could never be too careful. "...Squall?" she called hesitantly, more to make certain he'd left than because she was hoping he was still there. Much to her dismay, though, she heard him grunt from behind the door. "What are you doing?!" she snarled--was it really so hard for him to figure out? She didn't want him there; how much more obvious did she need to make it?

"Being here for you." She didn't have to like it, but that's what he was doing. She was clearly in some sort of pain and even if she didn't want his help, he was going to stay until she was okay again. He was sick and tired of feeling like a useless ass in her presence and a spineless coward for hiding from her the rest of the time, and if feeling any different meant that he was going to get yelled at then, well, so be it.

But Tifa didn't yell. She just sort of boggled for a long while--here for her? He wanted...to be here for... What the hell was that supposed to mean? And why now, why now, when she had no one and couldn't afford to be picky, why now?

With a mocking laugh that didn't feel nearly mocking enough for her tastes, she reached up with bumbling fingers, spilling bourbon down the front door from the bottle trapped in her hand, and she pressed the door's latch down--she hadn't even locked it. The door swung open with the weight of Leon leaning back on it, and he stumbled over backward into her house; he hadn't heard the lock turn! He'd just been caught off-guard by a drunk.

Regaining his balance, he straightened and frowned at Tifa a moment before catching the door with the toe of his boot and pushing it shut. "Door wasn't locked, you moron," she commented, holding up the bottle to him almost as if offering him some.

"...No thanks," he declined warily; wait, now she was offering him a drink? "One drunk is bad enough." And now he'd gone and said the wrong thing again; he braced himself for--

"Fuck you," she retorted, still shaking the bottle out at him, her head hanging and her hair in her face so he couldn't see how red her eyes were. "Just take the damn thing away like I know you want to."

Hesitantly, as if he expected it might be a bomb or something, he reached out, grasping the bottle and tugging it away, standing there uncertainly for a moment before walking over to set the bottle on the end table in her living room. "...Tifa." It sounded less like a prelude and more like a statement of fact, but he couldn't really think of anything else to tack on. So, he crouched before her, peering at her face through her hair, and frowned.

She was bewildered by that, and stared at him through her hair as he squatted there in her living room, scrutinizing her shrouded face. Like he was just waiting for her to reveal some weakness so he could pounce on it like the lion he was. Finally, she just could take it anymore. "What?!" she snapped, so suddenly he jumped and nearly fell over backward.

"What what?" Leon shot back, move uncomfortable than he ever wanted to be again and somewhat indignant that she was giving him such a hard time. Why wouldn't she just let him help her? She needed it, and badly, and yet here she was, too proud to accept his help when he extended it, and she even held the extension against him.

What the hell was his problem?! He was the one who'd come to her house, he was the one who'd insisted she let him inside; he was the one crouching on her floor and he was the one staring at her. "What do you want?" she demanded, lifting her red eyes and her agonized scowl to glower at him.

"I want to help you," he answered, his voice more vulnerable that he'd have liked; it slipped out of him too quickly, like a confession he hadn't planned on, and in the end he supposed it was. She didn't want his help, and he was insisting she take it, ignoring what she wanted so he could act out his own intentions. "I hate seeing you like this--"

"Oh, and I bet you do," she interrupted, her voice slurred and bitter, like creamed coffee unstirred, plumes of milk softening the sharpness of it but only where they swirled of their own accord. "Nothing reflects worse on you than your little pet project failing so badly, all your charitable efforts wasted on that wayward Tifa--I sure as shit bet you hate seeing me like this! You might be able to hide behind your new name from the rest of the world, and convince them all that you don't think you're a useless waste of space, but then here I am, living proof that the almighty Squall Leonhart has failed at least once."

She flashed a hand through the air, not entirely the crisp and definitive slash she'd been going for, but certainly communicative enough. "I'm not gonna be your crowning glory, Squall--if you're here to just try and clean up this one last tarnish to your name--a name you don't even fucking go by anymore!--then just take your stupid shoe polish and shove it--"

"Dammit Tifa!" He'd been listening the whole time, hoping she'd just trail off so he could collect himself and try to refute her, but as her tirade ran on and on, he realized he was just going to have to spout things on the fly with nothing but a prayer that he got through to her, that he didn't say the exact wrong thing to set her off again. "For once in your life just stop hearing what you think I'm saying and listen to what I'm trying to say!"

Her startled silence was bolstering; quickly, he poured on before she gathered up something cruel and acidic to throw in his face. "This isn't about me! Not right now--yes, okay, I have been trying to clean up the town so I can feel like...like I've done something useful after all, but this isn't about me anymore, Tifa! Look at you! You're a wreck! You don't leave your house, you're drinking--do you realize it's not even noon yet? I don't know what happened to you, but I'm worried for you and--"

...Uh-oh. He was sort of out of steam; Leon wasn't really garrulous by nature, and so with any intense effusion of words he just sort of fell flat on his face. He felt rather like he should have brought note cards or something. "And I just...want to help you," he concluded, something resigned and defeated in his voice. He was being more genuine with her now that he'd been since before they'd split up, and already he was bracing himself for the inevitable biting sting her response would bring.

But she didn't respond. The silence she'd been startled into melted into a twisting and terrorized loneliness so sharp it tore her breath away; was he really here just to help her? Because he was worried? Did she even still matter to him like that? Their friendship had splintered bitterly when he'd left her--he'd left her! He'd been the one to storm off, to end it and refuse to talk to her about it; how was it possible he still gave a damn?

Could he really, genuinely care what happened to her? He wasn't just trying to make himself look good by tying up this last loose end, by setting his broken ex-girlfriend back to rights...?

The thought that he actually wanted to be there for her twisted in her heart and a keening whimper drifted out of her. All the horrible aching loneliness, all the wretchedness of being abandoned and left behind, all of it just sort of welled up in her and warped her breath into a soft sound of heartache that made Leon's insides squirm. "Squall..." came a soft, broken entreaty as her knees drew up toward her chest. "Why'd you...?" Her breath caught in her throat; hot tears came oozing out of her eyes, thick and clinging like blood, and suddenly she was sobbing, as quietly as she could, her face in her knees and her breath choking and shuddering around her tears. "--Squall..."

Baffled, he just stared at her a long moment, unable to reconcile that heartwrenching whine with the woman producing it; he just couldn't comprehend her...hurting like that. And then she was sobbing, his name twisting into some sort of plea, and he just held out a hand like maybe he could Cure away whatever it was that was paining her.

He was mesmerized a moment at the cant of her head, the fall of her hair, the shaking of her shoulders, the utterly open vulnerability of her; he hadn't seen her like this since her father died. He remembered, so many nights out in space, on their gummi ship, when she would adjourn for bed and he'd walk by her room to see her sobbing in some heart-shattering grief he couldn't really comprehend; he'd never lost a loved one before, and he really...didn't know what she'd been going through.

But one night he'd knocked at the door and spoken to her about it. And she'd cried and choked out disjointed agonies and pressed her face into his shirt after he'd dragged her into his lap; she'd needed him then, and though he hadn't said much and hadn't even really done much, something about his hands smoothing her hair and his arms rocking her body and his heart witnessing her grief had helped her somehow.

So, swallowing a little nervously, he shifted, moving to press his back to the door, sitting on the floor beside her, a hand rather apprehensively resting on her shoulder. "Hey," he breathed. He'd never been very good at comfort; she didn't throw him off, though, and so he moved again, slowly, smoothly, as gently as he could, slipping an arm under her knees and wrapping his other around her shoulders, hefting her into his lap like he'd done years ago.

Something in him that had been aching finally got noticed, and he frowned, resting his cheek on her hair as she broke into a redoubled fit of agony at the intimate and nostalgic gesture; her arms were around his neck and he wasn't sure what to do with himself, her face against his shoulder, her tears on his skin... Why was he aching? Sure, seeing her in pain didn't really sit well with him, and knowing she hated him was upsetting in its own right, but this... It was strange, sad somehow, and maybe lonely--he didn't really understand it, and so he sat there in severe discomfort, clearing his throat awkwardly and hugging her a little tighter in the hopes that whatever it was he was doing would be enough.

He'd never really understood what it was that'd helped her before, but with any luck, it would help again, and somehow just doing something--even if that something was pretty much nothing--made him feel a little better himself. It eased that cowardly shame she always evoked in him for being useless, and that strange aching sadness he couldn't quite figure out was...well, not dimming, but maybe mellowing a little bit? Leon wondered if maybe it was just sympathy hurt, seeing Tifa in such dire straits, and he felt like a huge idiot, sitting there with the woman he'd walked out on in his lap and wondering why her happiness still mattered so much to him anyway.

Regardless of who left whom and why anyone still cared, though, he wanted to do this right. Even Leon could tell when it wasn't the time for certain conversations, and...well, he wanted more time to think about it, in any case. He probably did care about her happiness, sure, but bringing it up would be a bad thing--asking Tifa why he apparently cared about a vicious bitch like her was...well. It was a whole can of worms likely to get his nose broken again.

"They're gone, Squall," her soft voice lamented into his shoulder; he frowned a little more but didn't say anything, though he did rest a hand on the back of her head, sort of wishing he wasn't wearing his gloves and wondering if maybe it would look bad if he took the time to tug them off. He didn't want her hair to catch in the leather; he could just picture her wincing and snapping out of whatever mysterious not-caustic daze she was in to scream at him and possibly punch him in the head. In the end, he shifted to tug off just the one, his fingers twisting more assuredly in her hair as he set the glove on the floor beside them. "They're gone and no one misses them but me..."

What? What was she talking about? This wasn't about her father, was it? She'd gotten over that years ago--well, as much as he supposed anyone really could get over the loss of a parent they actually knew. Leon really had no idea what it was like--she was right about that, at least. Resisting the urge to pelt her with questions--who were these people that were gone? Why didn't anyone else miss them?--he just sighed softly and nodded against the top of her head, smoothing her unbrushed hair and trying not to choke on the bourbon fumes reeling off her.

It was less awkward than he'd been expecting. He'd been worried that any minute she'd just shove him back and start shouting at him again, but it seemed...she wouldn't. It felt all too familiar, all too gentle and broken and vulnerable like she used to be, when he'd been proud to be strong around her because it meant he was making a difference. Maybe that was all they'd been, a broken girl needing kindness and a broken boy needing to convince himself he mattered despite his failings. But Leon liked to think there'd been more to it. He liked to think people didn't stay together for six years just to fill the holes in each other's lives.

Or maybe that's all love was anyway. Filling in the gaps, making the heart whole--didn't Sora's strong heart come from the love of his friends? He'd said something like that--anyway, maybe there was a power to it, less about needing someone than about being stronger with them around. ...Or being stronger for them.

"I'm...sure that's all they need," he offered after a moment, not really comfortable with his current train of thought--though really there was very little about the situation at hand that wasn't catastrophically uncomfortable. Feeling rather stupid, Leon set his jaw; he was terrified to set her off again but he had to dig up something to say. It wasn't the sort of thing that could just sit unanswered--Tifa might suddenly snap at him for not even listening to her, and he really didn't want to give that impression. "If you miss them, then...well, that'd be enough for anyone." The sentiment was more genuine and more revealing than he really wanted to think about, but Tifa was sobbing in his arms and he was pretty sure nothing he said or did would make him feel as vulnerable as she felt at the moment. The worst that could happen, he supposed, was that he'd say the wrong thing and she'd get mad and run him off and go back to drinking herself into oblivion.

Apparently, it wasn't quite the wrong thing to say, though; she sobbed a little louder and coughed out a broken little laugh. "They deserve so much more, though. So much more than nothing--" She couldn't even talk; Tifa hadn't felt like this since she'd lost her father and then Cloud in rapid succession. There was this hollow empty screaming in her that wouldn't stop--she hardly even registered that Squall was holding her, or rather that it was anything out of the ordinary. Comfort was comfort and even if she wasn't thinking about the memories of him consoling away her grief, her heart still remembered; Squall was probably the only reason she hadn't curled up and died back then. Her heart had hurt so much she was sure it would just rip right out of her body and into a Heartless, leaving her nothing--or maybe Nobody.

The old joke burned and she gulped back some choking, shuddering sound that might have under other circumstances been a laugh. "They were never meant to be, but--that doesn't mean they had no right," she sobbed, knowing he didn't know what was going on but still sobbing it out anyway, her grasping fingers pushing into his hair as she clung to him. Poor Sora didn't deserve the full onslaught of her heartbreak; he was just a good kid trying to do the right thing and getting jerked around by everyone and their Nobody and...well, Roxas was in there somewhere and crying to Roxas, who didn't even exist anymore, about how sad she was...it felt cheap and unfair. But Squall had heard her heart's cries before, and it just...it was somewhere to direct the pain, rather than keeping it all pent up behind her breastbone.

Once again, he wasn't sure what to do with himself. Her hand was in his hair and she was clinging to him like she'd fall forever if she let go, and he had no idea what was going on but when it came to Tifa, he rarely felt confidently informed. So, nodding a little, Leon agreed unobtrusively, "...Yeah." Really, what else was there? He didn't even know what'd happened. Clearly, she'd lost someone else--two other people, maybe, unless she meant 'they' as in her father and one additional person. Either way, it was obviously painful for her, and he was having some serious trouble relating. After all, the only person he'd ever lost in any significant regard was, well...Tifa. And while she may have hated him for the past year, while he'd thought it was all a wash and that she'd turned into the most intolerable bitch in the universe, he hadn't ever really given up on her, had he? And Tifa wasn't dead either, so that finality was missing as well; for the second time in his life, Leon had...absolutely no idea what she was going through but was trying to relate anyway.

Her scoff sent a rigid jolt up his spine, like a grazing deer after hearing a twig snap. Was she about to go off on him? Had that been the wrong thing to say? Did she...not want him to agree with her, or had he overstepped his bounds somehow? His hand froze in her hair as if caught in the act; this wasn't fair! She needed this help and he wanted to help and he was determined not to screw it up but he might have just ruined everything anyway.

But she didn't shove him away, didn't yell. She just scoffed into his shoulder and ground out, "You don't even know what I'm talking about, Squall." How could he just agree like that? He didn't know; he'd even helped--well, no, he hadn't. He'd helped Sora but...he hadn't done anything directly counter to Axel's motives, or Roxas's either. Actually, he'd helped Roxas out, since Roxas was...in Sora now. Looking at it that way, Squall had done more for Roxas than she had. Axel still trumped him though; Squall was still alive, after all.

"...No, I...don't," he allowed, fighting down the rush of nervousness that washed over him at her words. "But only because you haven't told me yet." She needed to talk about it; that was what'd helped her before, right? Talking about her dad and how she wanted to avenge him, take back the town, destroy every Heartless and free every heart--that's what'd happened last time. And the person was different, clearly, but the grief was very much the same, at least the way he figured it.

She scoffed again, though maybe there was a little bit of a laugh in it this time. "Yet? You're so sure I'm gonna tell you..." It felt good, sitting there; Axel hadn't been too good at hugs, and Roxas had always felt a little weird hugging her--she could see it in Sora too, the way he'd sort of balked when she'd gotten upset. But Squall had...something in him that just begged to be burdened, like he'd been searching his whole life for someone who needed him to help hold them up. It came through in the way he put his arms around her; everything about him just wheedled and entreated, tugging at her heart and urging her to spill her miseries onto him.

She'd actually stopped crying for the moment, and Leon was really alarmed by the whole thing. It was one thing, apparently, when she was sobbing her eyes out, but now that she wasn't blinded by grief, he worried she'd realize just how much he'd overstepped his bounds. And even though it was remarkably easier to just let her get mad and punch him in the face and send him packing, he felt like he had to work at this and make it better. Make her better. She deserved that from him, at the very least. "I...hoped you would," he admitted, trying not to squirm. "Eventually."

And just like that, she was crying again, and Leon was absolutely positive he would never understand anything about women ever. Tifa was just about as confused and overwhelmed; Squall actually wanted to hear about why she was upset? "You jerk," she choked out, hugging him tightly and her temple on his shoulder as she sniffled. "You wait until the last possible moment to be nice, you know that?"

Leon never thought there would ever come a time when he'd be relieved she was making fun of him, but as her teasing came, with no small amount of fondness in her voice, he found himself really glad he'd apparently done something right. "Not for lack of trying," he commented, trying to put himself more at ease. Back before they'd split, he'd talked with Tifa more than with anyone else combined, and it was...strange, really, to pick that up again. "Last time I tried to be nice, you broke my nose," he reminded her, still holding her against his chest and trying to figure out if he was suicidal or not, and whether it mattered in the long run anyway.

"Yeah, I...sorry about that. I...you know Xaldin was here, though...right? Sora chased him off from Beast's Castle for a while, and then he came after me and when I managed to ditch him, he went back to try and finish Beast off." Sora had briefed her on that, at least. "It...was real; I was...just really upset that you didn't believe me..." Wiping her eyes with one hand, she blew out a sigh and sniffled, letting her head fall to plunk back down onto his shoulder again. Gods, she was so tired...

This topic was going to get him punched again. Carefully, he picked out a vague phrase or two, hoping to change the subject. She hadn't been lying; he'd figured that out while she'd been off on Destiny Islands, but when he'd tried to talk to her about it, well... He didn't want to bring that up again. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, for what it's worth." He was having a really hard time predicting what would make her start crying again, but in retrospect, maybe an honest apology should have gone on his list of potential triggers. "Hey," he soothed again, rocking her a little. "None of that." Leon fought the urge to bash his head into the door behind him; he was so bad at this. "Not over me." Tifa had enough to grieve for, and he wasn't going to let her cry over things he'd said and done.

He was such an idiot. He was a huge jerk and an idiot, and yet sometimes he managed to be sweet and thoughtful but it was all just by accident. Heaving a long and heavy sigh, she just leaned against him, everything in her going slack and still, that exhaustion taking over her entire frame. She figured she'd make use of his friendship while it lasted. "It's always over somebody," she pointed out, words a half-slurred murmur as she stared blearily at the patch of his neck that happened to be in front of her face. "Might as well be you."

He just snorted. Might as well be him? Something in him rebelled against that; it meant he was just some sort of filler, a stand-in for whoever it was that was actually important in her life, but in the end that's about all he was anyway, right? She'd made it pretty clear she hated him, even if he did feel some kind of obligation towards her... Blowing out a long sigh, he rested his head back on the door, his arms still around her, and closed his eyes, trying to figure out what the hell he was doing there.

Squall wasn't entirely sure how long they stayed that way, Tifa's slow breathing a strange comfort to him as he sat there lost in his own thoughts. At least she wasn't crying anymore; if all else went to hell there was that. At some point, it occurred to him that Tifa hadn't said anything for a good while, and after lifting his head and opening his eyes, he discovered she was some combination of passed out drunk and sound asleep in his arms. When was the last time she'd slept? He was pretty sure she hadn't exactly gotten up at the crack of dawn and started drinking...

Unsure of what to do now that she was asleep, he just sat there for a few minutes, weighing his options. Finally, he decided on getting her off to bed; fortunately, she was still in her pajamas, so he didn't really have to worry about her going off on him for getting her bed all dirty or, worse yet, changing her while she was asleep. Ugh, the last thing he wanted was some sort of blowout now, when things were going so well. ...Even if 'well' was really just some exhausted armistice after a long year of visceral attrition. Maybe she'd finally worn herself out on hating him.

Rising carefully to his feet, Tifa's slack body still in his arms, he wandered into her bedroom and frowned at the mess. Her bed was unmade, which did made putting her down under the covers a little easier, but...there were beer cans and empty bottles all around, and her dresser was in shambles, half the drawers open and clothes hanging out of it like she couldn't be bothered to close them after grabbing what she needed. Squall laid her down gently, snagging her blanket and settling it over her before just...watching her a moment, something fierce and proud and protective welling up in him as he regarded her face. Hesitating a little, he reached out and brushed her bangs back off to the side, something like a smile on his lips.

When she wasn't screaming at him, she was...really quite pretty, even if her eyes were all red and puffy and her hair was unkempt and sort of greasy. He'd seen her look worse, in all honesty. A sigh dusting out of him then, he pulled his hand back, faltering a little and then heading back out into her living room to sit down on the couch to think some more. He'd said it was going to be here for her, and it just wouldn't be right to leave while she was asleep.

Really, he was astonished that she'd managed to fall asleep at all. It was just like the old times, when she'd cry herself out in his arms, finding some nameless comfort in him being there even if he didn't really know what he was doing to provide it.

Maybe this meant he'd done something right for a change.

Friends Only!

2009-03-19T20:20:52Z

At long last I've given in to flocking my journal (omg peer pressure); most of the stuff I post is flocked or private anyway. This post is nothing fancy, no image or anything, though I do hope you enjoy the icon I startled up somewhere.

Comment or contact me to be added. ^_^

KH Fic

2009-03-19T05:31:46Z

Title: Case of Tifa: What do you mean, gone?
Author(s): aenigmadarai
Rating: PG-13 for language
Dateline: Three months after the fall of Radiant Garden

Traverse Town was about as much a home to the dispossessed refugees of Radiant Garden as a freezer was home to a waffle. It was a cold, unforgiving place where people were thrown to keep them from expiring, but it was not comfortable, was not kind, and it certainly wasn't home. Tifa hated it, and she really couldn't blame Aerith for going back to try and save their world.

She'd been gone quite a while, though, and they were all starting to get worried. She was only seventeen, after all, and sweet as she was--wise as she was, really; Cid had commented after she'd taken the gummi ship and left that there was something almost eerily spiritual about the girl, and Tifa was pretty sure everyone agreed--she was still only human. It'd been a week since she'd departed, bright and cheerful and confident that she could save Radiant Garden with the power of her heart.

If anyone could do it, Tifa figured Aerith could. She was so down to earth, so into nature and everything; Cloud had the hugest crush on her, a fact which Tifa loved to tease him over--at least, she had, before their town had been obliterated and Aerith had gone off alone. "...She's fine, okay?" she assured the blond, trying hard to be strong for him. Cloud had lost no less than she had three months ago, when Heartless had overrun their entire world and sent them on some tragic diaspora to whatever hodgepodge darkness-vomit world they were in.

Cloud's house had been destroyed, burnt to cinders by the Heartless onslaught. His mom had gone up in smoke inside...and Cloud had confided in her that he was glad he hadn't actually seen it happen. He'd been with Tifa at the time, hanging out in her backyard, sparring like usual--he'd been there when the darkness had taken over her house, been standing right beside her as they'd watched her father's heart twist from his body and swirl into some ugly shadow of a thing; it'd been Cloud to grab her by the arms and drag her away...

He'd saved her life that day. Tifa would have thrown herself into that blackness, clawing and screaming and grasping for the monster her father had become; he and another boy with a bleeding face had held her back as she'd fought to leave the ship again, and...really, Cloud was the only shoulder she'd had to cry on once it'd finally sunk in that her father was gone and they were never going home.

"She might need help." It was less that Cloud was fretting over the older girl, and more that it was a legitimate concern--at least, Cloud liked to think so. "Why's it taken so long? It took us half an hour to warp here; it's not travel time, so what is it?"

Turning her mug of hot cocoa in her hands, Tifa shook her head and looked around the square from where they sat on the plaza's main stairs. First District was so...brown; it was strange. The other districts at least felt more like home, with the grey stones and the nicer architecture. "Maybe she's making progress," she pointed out; "Aerith's pretty deep like that. If her heart is saving Radiant Garden...maybe it's just taking a while." The stairs between her knees blurred and she blinked her tears away. "I mean, if she's restoring all the...people, who lost their hearts--"

"...Tifa," he broke in, frowning a little bit. "Don't." He knew she missed her father; Cloud missed his mother too, missed his home, missed everything about life before the Heartless. But he was trying not to get his hopes up. He didn't want to be even more disappointed when it turned out that whatever Aerith was trying didn't work. Really, he'd rather she'd never have gone at all. "It's probably...not gonna happen." The sooner Tifa stopped hoping she could magically get her dad back, the sooner she could really move on, right?

"Show a little faith, Cloud," she scolded, her voice overly bright; Tifa cleared her throat and shook back her hair, taking a long drag on her hot cocoa. "I mean, this is your girlfriend we're talking about! You gotta believe in her--!"

"She's not my girlfriend!" yowled Cloud, looking torn between affronted and flustered.

Tifa smirked. "Yet," she qualified, "but I bet when she gets back you could get her to go out with you."

Her best friend turned that mortified shade of red that really brightened her day. "Tifa!" he hissed, glancing around as if the moogles were going to overhear them and scuttle off to tell Aerith.

"What?" she demanded petulantly, turning her face to frown at him. "You don't even think she's coming back, do you?" Watching his face falter, she scoffed. "She's fine, Cloud. Can't you feel her, out there somewhere?" She looked distant a moment and found her eyes shining; sniffling quickly, Tifa rubbed the back of her arm and shook her head again. "Look, we'll talk to Cid, okay? He's got that spare, that little ship--we can send someone out to look for her, yeah?"

Her stupid best friend and his big heart and timid hopes. Cracking a weak grin, she sniffled definitively one last time, and then nodded at him, jerking her head to indicate it was time to head back to the Hotel for the night. Their rooms were right next to each other, fortunately; Cid did this little attempt-at-guardianship thing where he made sure everyone was home safe every night. Tifa supposed it was good of him, considering what they'd all been through, but it was sort of annoying since he busted up any fun she and Cloud might have managed to scrape up together, and he imposed this stupid lights-out curfew which she suspected was less about conserving electricity (which is what he claimed) and was more about preventing co-ed sleepovers, platonic though they might have been.

Sure enough, there came the surly rocket scientist to break up their card game and tell them lights out. Waving a little to Cloud, she grinned; they had this little code, where she would knock on the wall to ask if things were all clear and then he'd knock back, and she'd unlock her balcony door and he'd hop over to hang out with her some more. She didn't know what she'd do without him. Even if Cloud was kinda broody these days and didn't talk much, he was there for her and he listened, and that was really what she needed.

It wasn't until she was alone in the dark that her dad's face went dark and took on those eerie glowing eyes.

After Cid shooed Cloud from the room and closed her door, Tifa crawled over to the wall and listened to the low voices on the other side of it. Were they talking about sending a ship after Aerith? She couldn't really imagine what else Cloud would bother discussing for more than two minutes... Finally, the voices went quiet, and she heard the door open and Cid's footsteps heading down the hall to knock on another door and check in on the rest of them. Knock, door open, some chatting, door close, footfalls, knock--gods, it seemed to go on forever.

She waited, tapping her fingertips impatiently on her calves as she crouched by the wall, until she heard Cid's footsteps leave the Hotel and head off towards Third District, where he'd set up a house for himself. Eagerly, Tifa rapped on the wall--...but Cloud didn't respond. Hesitating a moment, she rapped a little louder, then paused; still nothing.

"...Cloud?" she called, frowning; he couldn't possibly have fallen asleep already! "Lazybones," she accused him, getting up and heading to her balcony, slipping outside with a frown and vaulting rather easily onto the balcony beside her own. Trying the door, she found it locked, and rattled it insistently. If Cloud wanted to sleep so early, that was fine, but he should have at least told her that! "Cloud," chided Tifa sullenly, squinting through the tiny diamond-shaped window and not making anything out in the dark, "c'mon, this isn't funny. You're not mad at me, are you?"

Well, she had made fun of him pretty soundly earlier. "...Look, if that's what this is, I'm sorry, okay? Cloud? ...Cloud!" Banging a fist on the door, she cursed under her breath. "Quit being a jerk and just talk to me! Cloud! Dammit Cloud--are you even in there?"

Maybe he'd snuck out or something? Or...maybe he'd gone the other way around, and was waiting outside her door; she skittered around and yanked her door open--nope, no Cloud. Glancing around to make sure no one was going to catch her out after curfew (not that there had ever been any repercussions so far, if only because Cid hadn't caught anyone yet), she slipped into the hallway and darted down to Cloud's room, trying the door and finding it unlocked.

"Man," she chuckled, "you're really bad at sulking--"

He was gone.

Stirring, Tifa slowly awakened, blinking as she looked around Cloud's room, disoriented for a long moment before remembering what'd happened. She'd sat down to wait for him to come back, alone in the dark of his room, hugging one of his pillows to her chest--where the hell was he, anyway? Had the darkness gotten him? No, that made no sense; there was no Heartless, and Cid had been there not too long ago...

Tifa was absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percent certainly not scared of the dark, by the way. She hadn't gone looking for Cloud not because the town was dark and she was alone, but because the town was...well, big, and she didn't want to get caught out after curfew, and...and because also if Cloud came back while she was out then maybe he'd worry and go looking for her, and then they'd both be out running around in the totally not-scary darkness that could swallow them up at any time.

It wasn't that it was dark.

She didn't remember falling asleep, but it was fairly obvious as she sat upright on Cloud's vacant bed and rubbed her bleary eyes that she had, and really late at that. It had to be past one o'clock already--and Cloud still wasn't back; she scrabbled rather clumsily to her feet and darted out into the early afternoon sunlight, something anxious and cold gnawing at the back of her stomach. He wasn't anywhere they liked to hang out, not on top of that huge church in Second, not on the little overpass in Third, not on the balcony in First--maybe Cid knew where he was. He was the last one to have seen him.

The stupid rocket scientist wasn't at home. Kicking his door with an angry curse on her lips, Tifa jumped as she heard a man clear his throat behind her. She whirled, expecting to see Cid standing there, or maybe Cloud, but instead it was...that one guy, Squall. The guy who'd helped Cloud hold her back in the gummi ship--he was the oldest of the refugees, aside from Cid. And maybe Aerith. Tifa wasn't quite sure when Squall's birthday was, but she figured Aerith couldn't have been more than a few months older than him, tops.

The cut on his face had scarred over, but it wasn't really off-putting like some scars were. She was glad for him; if he'd been disfigured or something by the Heartless... Gods, it was bad enough they were all scarred for life. Poor Squall just had to bear it literally. "Uh...hey," greeted Tifa awkwardly, folding her arms and shifting her weight a little nervously. She never really knew how to act around Squall--seriously, how were you supposed to behave around a near-complete stranger who'd helped restrain you as you shrieked in disconsolate grief? Awkward.

He waved slightly in reply; that was one nice thing about Squall, she figured. He didn't talk any more than he had to. "...Where's Cid?" she inquired then, pretending to watch his face intently as she took the opportunity to scrutinize his scar; he was really lucky it didn't cross either of his eyes, really. He was probably well aware just how close to going blind he'd been that night.

Squall shrugged, regarding her levelly through his bangs, and Tifa found herself getting impatient. "Well, what are you doing here? Are you looking for Cid?"

He shrugged again and Tifa scowled sharply; the expression startled him into a verbal response. "Yeah."

Oh. How fucking informative. "Well, do you know where Cloud is? I can't find him anywhere; he's been gone since last--"

"Last night, yeah," interjected the man, and Tifa boggled at him.

"Wait, you know? Where is he? What happened; he's okay, right?!"

Squall sort of took a step back, totally unprepared for the onslaught of questions from some distraught woman. Seriously, was this girl ever calm or collected? It seemed like every time he saw her, she was shrieking away about something or other. "He went after Aerith."

The result was instantaneous and rather alarming; all the color drained from her face and Tifa just sort of boggled at him in a way that made Squall feel somehow responsible. "...What?"

Gruffly, Squall folded his arms and glanced away, rather resenting the way she was making him feel like a jackass. "You heard me."

Tifa wasn't even in the mood to get offended; her hand shot out, resting on Squall's upper arm, and it was enough to drag his gaze back over to her from the oh-so-exciting pavement off to his left. "Last night? He just...left? Without...even telling me...?"

Shrugging mostly in an effort to let the subject slide off his shoulders, Squall succeeded in dislodging her hand; she stepped back, some kind of hurt in her eyes, and he felt another twinge of that guilt as he realized she must have thought he was shrugging her off. "...Apparently." He didn't really know either of them; all he knew was that Cid had shown up with that guy Cloud last night around curfew, suggesting they send someone after Aerith, and once Squall had agreed it'd be a good idea then Cloud had volunteered, and Cid had taken him off from there, presumably to get ready to leave.

If he hadn't taken the time to go say goodbye to his friends, well...that was his own prerogative, right? Still, the look on her face made him feel like maybe he should have done something--he was the oldest, after all; maybe he should have gone after Aerith instead of Cloud. Squall was just as fond of her as anyone else was.

"How come you know?" came her next question, Tifa's voice tight and shaking as she demanded to know why Squall knew where Cloud had gone, but she'd been left in the dark. Literally.

He just shrugged, glancing away again and hoping Cid would come back soon. "I was there."

"Where? What happened?"

Shrugging again, Squall blew out a sigh. "Cid showed up with Cloud and asked what I thought about a rescue mission. I said it sounded fine and Cloud said he'd go. And he went." It was pretty cut-and-dry; what did this girl want from him?

Tifa was gnawing her lower lip, nursing a ripping hollowness torn open in her chest, and she shook her head then. "Yeah, thanks Squall." He was such an insensitive bastard; he had no idea how horrible this was--what if something happened to Cloud? Aerith would be just fine out there, but Cloud was a big idiot with no sense of self-preservation; he'd die before coming back without Aerith, even if he got overrun by Heartless or swallowed by the darkness himself.

Frowning a little, Squall just shrugged again, as if trying to dislodge the blame that she'd somehow settled over his shoulders. "...Whatever." Cid would be around later; the few things he needed to discuss with the man weren't worth hanging around with Tifa there. With a final shrug he was pretty sure she didn't even see, Squall turned and walked through the gate to First District, leaving the surly brunette standing alone outside Cid's house to contemplate the meaning of the universe, or...whatever it was she was doing.

let's get fucked up and die

2009-02-12T23:42:43Z

let's get fucked up and die
I'm speaking figuratively, of course
like the last time that I committed suicide
social suicide
yeah, so I'm already dead
on the inside, but I can still pretend
with my memories and photographs
I have learned to love the lie

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah
let me in, let me in to the club
cuz I wanna belong
and I need to get strong
and if memory serves
I'm addicted to words and they're useless
in this department

let's get fucked up and die
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie
and the BMX bike of my life is about to explode
I'm about to explode
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept
all my problems and shortcomings
cuz I am so visceral, yet deeply inept

I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds
and all the things that don't get old; is it legal to do this? I surely don't know
it's the only way I have learned to express myself
through other people's descriptions of life
but I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless
in this department

let's get fucked up and die
for the last time with feeling, we'll try not to smile
as we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
that still shock and surprise
I believe that I can
overcome this and beat everything in the end
but I choose to abuse for the time being
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die

sister soldier, you’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
if I could ever repay you, I would, but I'm hard up for cash
and my memory lacks initiative

god damn the liquor store's closed, we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills
I am tired and hungry and totally useless
in this department

Heart of Swords

2008-10-19T20:48:07Z

Okay so...I did my first song translation out of Japanese. And...this is a posted, generally accepted translation of the song.

Now...that one and mine are SO DIFFERENT that I've got to wonder...which one of us is doin' it wrong D:

独りでは　遠い明日を
夜明けのままで　越えそうで
ブツかっていきゃ　コケる想いよ
今夜もまた　すれ違い

散々すぎる努力の跡も
なくなる結果　ONLYの綱渡り
やるだけ損するよな　毎日は
斜に高ｦてた方こそ　楽になる

熱くてつらい自分を隠して
短い時代を生きてる

独りでは　遠い明日を
夜明けのままで　越えそうで
放っとけば　走る想いよ
夢もまた　すれ違い

完璧とちゃう　人生の収支
プラマイ･ゼロだなんだってば
ホントかな?
死ぬまでに使い切る　運の数
せめて　自分で出し入れをさせて

ワカっちゃいない
君ならどーにでも
理屈を変えていいのに

何度君に　蹴つまづいても
戻ってきちゃう　愛情に
信じかねる　打たれ強さよ
今夜も　メ[トー眠れない

何度何回　繰り返しても
戻ってきちゃう　愛だから
ブツかっていく　消せぬ想いを
責める方が　筋違い

独りでは　遠い明日を
夜明けのままで　越えてゆく
相性よりも　深いふたりは
すれ違って　高墲ﾈい

Alone, about to cross over, at the brink of dawn,
I give in to the thought that crossed my mind again tonight,
That I have to collide with that distant tomorrow.

Going completely above and beyond, all my efforts gone without a trace,
It's a delicate balance of single-mindedness.
Every day, I just lose all the things I've done, don't I?
But if I live my life going forward as well as sideways, then I'll find
comfort for sure.

Overheated and hiding my pain-wracked self,
I am living, if only for a short time.

Alone, about to cross over, at the brink of dawn,
I race forward with the thought that came to me in a dream again,
That if I leave that distant tomorrow alone, then, well...

It's perfect, isn't it, the intake and output of human life,
But do the plusses and minuses really amount to zero in the end?
By the time I die, at the very least I'll use up all my luck
Making myself consume and create all on my own.

If you continue to not understand in any way at all,
Then maybe it'd be all right to change the way you think.

How many times have I done this for you already?
If I continue to come back, my heart and soul will meld into affection.
This battered person has strength yet.
Tonight too, I won't be able to sleep properly.

How often, how many times, have I done this again and again?
If I continue to come back, it will be because of love.
To condemn that thought I had extinguished,
That I go forth to grasp onto now, would be a horrible mistake.

Alone, at the brink of dawn,
I succeed in crossing over into that distant tomorrow.
We are so close, so much closer than simple affinity,
That we don't worry about not seeing each other.

you've gotta be fucking kidding me

2008-08-06T23:05:29Z

dateline, 3:45 pm

background info: the neighbors downstairs moved out. a few days ago, the recarpeting guys were making a huge racket.

STARTING AT 3:45, bass from downstairs starts rattling the floor.

it is now 6 pm, and it still hasn't stopped. the only acceptable explanations are that there's a cleaning crew repainting or something blaring loud horrible music (but as it's 6 pm and that's quitting time, i'm somewhat dubious) or someone's moving in downstairs and is playing horrendously loud terrible music to help things along.

most people don't listen to music constantly, because then they can't hear the tv e.e i'm really really hoping it's the painters, because that means that the people who move in downstairs might be deaf and won't play bad music at all.

EDIT: Dateline, 7:35 - The guy downstairs is named Dray and he's very nice. About three hours ago, he stepped out onto his balcony and closed the sliding glass door, and the latch dropped, locking him out of his apartment. He jumped over the 2nd-story balcony and went to get assistance breaking back into his apartment. Unfortunately, he had the nightlock on the front door, so they couldn't just unlock it. He's been locked out of his apartment for three hours, and inside his music is stuck on repeat.

So I gave him a soda and chatted with him some, and even though the music is equally loud and buzzing my floor, it's significantly less obnoxious because he apologized and said he'd turn it off as soon as he could get back inside.

STEF!

2008-08-06T06:35:52Z

i couldn't post a comment there but OMG IT IS SO PRETTY *__* you are AWESOME egads woah. XD

also, check out flashlight_tag. we need a balthier >:[

aenigmadarai @ 2008-07-26T01:23:00

2008-07-26T06:43:39Z

What IS it about being on the internet that makes people into disrespectful entitlement-minded prats? The facelessness of being online--where even your personal LJ holds very little personal accountability, quite unlike, say, published journalism, or even more so, going up to someone on the sidewalk and telling them why their characterization of Axel is godawful--makes people unafraid to react to everything with knee-jerk emotional flailings that would get you in serious trouble in the real world.

Politeness doesn't exist in faceless venues. Just look at the writing in bathroom stalls. "Fuck you" is, most assuredly, the most predominant phrase. And whereas a person who acts irrationally at work one day must answer for it later, a person who acts irrationally online can simply make a new LJ name, a new face, a new identity, and go about their business. Lots of people have FLAME ACCOUNTS. These are fake identities through which flames can be written with no personal repercussion.

WTF, people. We roll our eyes at the defensive authors who can't tell flame from concrit and yell at everyone for being mean, but...honestly? I think that people really ARE a LOT more MEAN online. Am I the only one who feels bad insulting people these days? Am I the only one who finds it disgusting that everyone loves to dish out the punishment but can't take it in return? Whatever happened to, "Do unto others?" Why are we allowed to rip into someone we don't even know and then get annoyed when they react so badly?

How would you respond if a total stranger came up to you on the sidewalk and started screaming at you for the things you thought? A man preaching the Gospel on the street is putting himself out there, yes, and most of us ignore him or roll our eyes, but if an atheist marched up and started maliciously tearing down his beliefs before his eyes, we would be appalled. And then, if the atheist called in his buddies and they ALL started shrieking at the street-preacher, someone would likely step in and defend the poor man, not because he is of like belief, but because That Just Ain't Cool.

Similarly, if someone were talking to their friends in a crowded coffee shop and a stranger broke into the conversation to announce that everyone who believed such things was nothing more than a jealous hypocritical idiot, it would be ENTIRELY socially unacceptable. What gives anyone the right to behave that way, regardless of the venue?

Yes, if someone asks for concrit, they should be willing to receive it. But when someone asks for CONCRIT and they receive FLAMES instead, why are they expected to just sit down and take it? It's disgusting. Since YOU won't be judged for what you said because you said it with a fake account, you don't try to spare anyone's feelings; you don't even try to sound anything less than flagrantly sociopathic.

I think the old adage needs a bit of a 21^st Century overhaul:

If you don't have something nice to say...
...then try putting your name on it.

aenigmadarai @ 2008-07-17T02:39:00

2008-07-17T07:39:49Z

Player Name: Lu
AIM Screen Name: LuTheDoctor
Character Name: Kairi
Series: Kingdom Hearts series
Age: 16

Physical Description: When she was younger, Kairi wore her chestnut-red hair short in jagged layers, a bit longer in the front than the back. Her pale skin and thin body did not make her look unhealthy; she was lithe and active and strong for a child. Her big blue eyes were almost electric, bright and mischievous, and she wore predominantly chunky accessories; she was never seen without a few big black and yellow bracelets, a blue armband and matching belt, and a black choker she was very fond of. She also wore a small, delicate locket that seemed strangely refined for the rest of her attire. Kairi had a tendency to wear small pastel skirts with shorts underneath and little tanks that were usually white and black.

These days, Kairi's hair is a bit longer and more ladylike; it falls just past her shoulders and frames her face nicely, bangs pushed off to the right and falling into her eyes. She stands at just over 5'2" and her thin frame has filled out some; though she is still slight she has retained some vestiges of the atheletic look of her youth. Though her chunky accessories from her younger days have basically disappeared, she still wears her locket and a few smaller bracelets of purple and white. When she outgrew her blue armband, she cut it up and made a bracelet out of it as well.

Despite the rather unladylike impression it makes, Kairi prefers to wear shorter skirts with shorts underneath and sleeveless shirts--clothes she can move easily in, clothes she can be active in. There is one exception, however, a certain pink dress she got over a year ago. The dress used to be longer on her, but once she'd grown taller, it only came to about mid-thigh. It has three zippers on the front, only one of which is actually functional, and Kairi herself added a black hood to it one day on a whim. With the dress she wears a black belt with an extra sidepiece on either side, and hanging at her left on the belt is a small black pouch serving as a surrogate school bag, since her dress has no pockets.

Personality: In general, Kairi's sweet appearance does not lie; she is gentle, compassionate, and loving almost to a fault. The most distinctive thing about Kairi is her pure heart--she is incapable of evil, but this by no means suggests she is incapable of being bad. Marked by an inescapable devilish streak, Kairi is fun-loving and likes games of all kinds, from racing across the beach to chess to practical jokes. She'll delightedly have a good laugh at someone else's expense, but only as long as they're laughing too. Her friends are the most important thing in her life, and she'd stop at nothing to see them all safe and happy. Something of a natural-born ruffian, she loves to explore, tussle, and climb, and is certainly not above a good friendly scuffle--as long as no one gets hurt.

Kairi also has a bit of a rebellious streak in her. She doesn't like being told what to do, and will often refuse to do something asked of her until she understands why she has to do it and then agrees she ought to do it. While she's not contrary, Kairi does tend to paint herself as such, what with her boyish hobbies, boyish habits, and boyish friends. She likes to run around and play outside; she enjoys learning but doesn't really like wasting all her time inside during lessons. A quick learner, she tends to absorb what's being taught her quickly and then spend the rest of her time perfecting her paper airplane technique, much the the chagrin of her sensei.

Despite all her small rebellions, Kairi is inherently good-natured and likes to see people happy. She tends to trust people before they actually gain her trust, though suspiciously shady folk are usually met with a narrowed eye, and she loves the people she cares about fiercely and almost blindly. Kind-hearted and sweet, Kairi hates to see people hurt and will help a complete stranger in need if it seems like she can. She is generally cheerful and loving, and hardly ever sad, though there are moments when something spurs memories of her distant childhood and her pretty smile falters--she knows she has a lot to be grateful for in this world, but there are still some things she finds herself rather bitter about whenever she thinks on them.

Abilities/Strengths/Weaponry: Kairi's big heart is her greatest strength. She loves without reserve and would do anything to see her loved ones happy and safe. Physically, Kairi is decently agile and strong, for an adolescent girl. She doesn't like fighting and probably wouldn't win in a fight, but if she felt the need to fight for something, she would with all her might. There is no halfway point with Kairi; she either works tirelessly or isn't working at all. She learns fast and loves a challenge, and has been known to roofmonkey from time to time, when she's in at port, that is.

Kairi can also fight, though she is by no means unbeatable. She learned to use a bo staff and a bokken (a wooden sword), but nothing sharp, nothing piercing or cutting. She is adept with both but in all honesty would prefer not to fight; only if her heart is in it and she's fighting for a good cause will she go all-out, and while her tenacity in such a scenario would make her prove to be a rather formidable opponent, Kairi usually doubts the necessity of violence.

Weaknesses: Kairi isn't perfect. Her heart is strong but even she gets tired. In her early teens she discovered she didn't have the ability or the time to help everyone she came across in this sad world, a fact that still upsets her a bit more than it should. It's rather easy to make Kairi feel guilty and she's been guilted into doing things she really shouldn't do. Her immense compassion can get her into trouble as well, and it's rare someone has to actually appeal to her sense of guilt to get her to do what they want. While not weak, Kairi certainly isn't physically impressive in any aspect; she has average speed, strength, and agility, nothing deplorable but nothing special, either.

History: Kairi's family was from Dardenelles originally, though she can hardly remember anything from the time before she moved to Destiny island. She was sent there at the age of four to live with her aunt, with very little explanation other than that it would be 'good for her'; before Kairi grew old enough to learn that it was for her own protection--that her family, though not technically noble, had grown very influential and her parents had worried about her safety in the capital--the thing that her family feared most actually came to pass. Her parents were killed in the capital, and her aunt made to flee the country in a panic.

In the ensuing confusion of dressing up in disguises and stowing away on a ship, the two managed to get separated, and Kairi shortly found herself on a boat full of serious people with serious faces and serious frowns all cast her way. The boat, she was told, was called the Eternal Lotus, and on board she was introduced to several different people, all who scrutinized her in the same serious way, before they all very seriously decided to keep her, for one serious reason or another.

The boy who'd brought her back with him (she'd stowed away on his small personal vessel, which was how she'd ended up there in the first place) was assigned to be her keeper, and she grew very attached to him, not really having anyone else in the world. At his behest, she began training to fight, her sensei a very serious man with a serious face who took his training seriously. It was fun, she supposed.

What she really enjoyed, though, was playing on shore whenever the boy in charge of her was sent out on assignments. Kairi was kept mostly in the dark about such things, but was glad for the shore leave and the chance to play with regular kids, who weren't serious all the time. As she grew older, the boy began giving her tasks to accomplish, to help him on his missions, until he actually had her gathering quite a bit of information for him.

Then, one day, it all went wrong.

He never came back from an assignment, and she went looking for him. She found him in the bedroom above some bar, a bad stab wound in his stomach--she couldn't believe anyone would do that to him! He was always so nice to her... Upon taking him back to the Eternal Lotus, Kairi was informed that his deal had gone bad and that, as his charge, it was now her duty to avenge him. She was ordered to hunt down and kill the one who'd betrayed him.

Well, needless to say, Kairi was less than thrilled. In fact, she was more along the lines of viciously appalled, shocked and dismayed--she hadn't realized just what sort of place the Eternal Lotus was, nor what sort of people the people who lived there were. After more than a few panic attacks and lots of crying and demanding answers and denial...well, she proved more unwieldy than the leaders were expecting, and Kairi to this day has no idea just how close they were to killing her for being a nuisance and a useless waste of space.

Instead, she was turned out, which was more than all right by her--she didn't want to be near any of them anymore. Distraught and disillusioned, Kairi found herself back on Destiny, a slew of unmarketable skills in one hand and a satchel with her few belongings in the other. She was, for perhaps the first time in her life, completely alone and at a loss.

A brief stint as a dressmaker's assistant fed her well enough, but really she wanted off the island, away from the south with its riches and opulence, its waste and its decadence; her years on board the Eternal Lotus had made her quite aware of the uselessness of most material things. Strength, she knew, came from within. But in contrast to the teachings of the Eternal Lotus, Kairi believed that courage was not an eventuation of strength; she believed that one could only be truly courageous for someone else, the same way she had been courageous when she'd gone to find her missing mentor.

She had no one anymore, but that didn't mean she wouldn't know anyone forever. There were people out there, good people--people who weren't deceitful liars and murderers--who were worth being courageous for. She just had to be brave for them...before she knew who they were. But they would be worth it when she met them; all her preemptive courage would be justified in the end, just from meeting those people she was sure were out there, somewhere.

Just not here. Not in the south, in this place of waste and wanton abandon. Good people wouldn't do things like that. With that hopeful ideal shining bright behind those big blue eyes of hers, Kairi contrived to move again, by herself this time. She saved up just enough money to buy a ticket north, and stepped off the boat and onto the docks of Illyria, not as an assistant to a murderer who wouldn't even tell her as such, but as a free woman, dirt poor and with more hope for the world than anyone would have imagined.

Affectation - Chapter One

2008-07-14T05:02:25Z

Title: Affectation
Author: aenigmadarai
Rating: PG for now
Pairing: Reno x Nana (OC)
Summary: (Post-DoC) ShinRa has been rebuilt in the growing city of Edge, but Rufus is under the impression that his Turks aren't enough, and is holding interviews for additional Turks. Reno, being Reno, decides to put the moves on one or more of the interviewees; however, Vincent is suspicious of someone, though it is never specified who.
Premise: After a collaborative spork of the first chapter of a wonderfully deplorable fic, "Affection," the desperate need to afford the world a digitally remastered version arose. This fic is the result of said need.
Further Reading: The original Affection: Chapter One by dark_lady_ice, and subsequent spork by kawree and myself.

Disclaimer: FFVII and its characters were designed by Nomura Tetsuya and are copyright of Square-Enix. Nana the OC was designed by dark_lady_ice, who holds unofficial copyrights. This reproduction was made with neither the knowledge nor the permission of Nomura, Square-Enix, and/or dark_lady_ice, and can be considered lawful only if posted for non-profit. Artistic license has been employed only where a lack of information has necessitated.

Impatient, Dinah finally just gave up waiting and interrupted the girl sitting in one of her booths, very clearly focusing quite intently on a map spread across the table before her. "Your breakfast, miss?"

Nana glanced up sharply as the waitress's voice broke into her thoughts, and she quickly swept her map aside so the woman could set the plate down in front of her. "Oh, sorry--thank you," she responded, chuckling rather sheepishly and hoping she hadn't held the waitress up too long.

"Mm-hmm," replied Dinah, depositing the girl's glass of orange juice on the table with a dull clank before walking off, not even bothering to ask if the girl needed anything else. Damn teens never tipped well anyway, and she had far too much to take care of to stand around chatting up a waste of an hour and booth on a Saturday morning. She had bills to pay, and that girl with the creepy red eyes wasn't going to be much help.

Nana hardly noticed Dinah's irritation, hooking her loose black hair behind her ear to keep it from draping in her fried eggs. She hoped her hair wouldn't be too off-putting; she had a job interview later that morning, and something told her the bright cherry red streaks that'd seemed like such a good idea last weekend--Nana frequently went out of her way to stick it in her parents' eyes, as it were--wouldn't go over too well at Neo ShinRa HQ. The potential issue hadn't really occurred to her until she'd been getting dressed that morning, the neon highlights blaring stark and disarmingly punkish against her black fitted blazer and crisply ironed white blouse.

But by the time she'd realized she would probably receive very little real consideration due to the streaks in her hair, it had been too late; she'd had to rush out the door to thumb a ride into town from the produce vendor who made the morning trek to Edge from their little farming settlement outside of Kalm. After parting with her ride at the grocer's square where he help business, Nana had walked in what she'd believed to be the right direction, only succeeding in getting horribly lost before finding herself on the very outskirts of town, where she'd ventured into a small roadside diner with the intention of purchasing a street map of the city.

Of course, she'd been offered one free, with the stipulation that she buy breakfast at the diner, and since she hadn't eaten before she'd left home and, moreover, desperately needed a street map of Edge, there she sat, her interview less than an hour away and a forkful of fried egg dripping from a piece of wheat toast in her left hand as she traced her intended route on the map in half-dried pink sharpie.

It looked like she had about a mile to walk, which all in all wasn't bad, considering she was on a time constraint. In all honesty, she couldn't wait to get the interview over with--the stupid uniform was practically stifling in the warm spring air, and though the weather was nice, it was a little too hot to be wearing a blazer over a long-sleeved shirt. And on top of that, she seemed to be drawing looks from the other people in the diner, as she had from the people she'd passed on the street; whether it was the idiosyncrasy of her blazer with the weather, the jarring spectacle of a young woman in a business suit sporting red highlights in her hair, or perhaps the outfit itself as reminiscent ShinRa's infamous Turks, Nana wasn't sure. Maybe it was her eyes--the people back home were pretty used to her appearance, but whenever she made it into Kalm she always got a couple funny looks...

Maybe, Nana worried, frowning as she chewed her egg on toast, they could tell she was wearing a clip-on tie. She'd bought it shortly after arriving in Edge; she had no idea how to tie a real tie, but she'd wanted to look professional.

Unfortunately, showing up for her interview all hot and sweaty would probably counteract any and all attempts at looking professional. Nana figured that as long as she kept in the shade for most of her walk, she could arrive at the new ShinRa building without looking too overheated, and once the interview was over, she could doff the blazer and blouse and explore the city more thoroughly in her undershirt.

All right, I just need to head two blocks down that way...make a right...left, then... Damn, this was complicated. Were all big cities so confusing? Briefly, Nana considered just hailing a taxi to save herself the trouble, but even if she'd have been able to pay for it after buying herself a tie and getting roped into purchasing breakfast, Nana generally preferred to walk, especially when she wasn't quite sure where she was going. At least if she walked there, she'd be able to find her way back; taking a cab would get her there faster for sure, but getting back to the grocer's market was already looking bleak and she wasn't even disoriented yet. Besides, she'd heard about crazy people pretending to be cab drivers in the big city, abducting young women all alone, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be her on the cover of next week's tabloids or the back of next month's milk cartons.

Still, the temptation was there, and so when she'd finished eating, Nana left what little remaining money she had on the table as an extra preventative measure and then headed out of the diner, the map folded like a newspaper under her arm.

Note: clearly, still under construction.

ATTN:

2008-06-25T08:07:40Z

七七七七!

that is all.

aenigmadarai @ 2008-04-16T03:10:00

2008-04-16T08:17:09Z

to-do list:

figure out and write up the politics post; cross-link it and blah
finish closing out thursday; codify and organize
~~talk to stef about the tournament~~
talk to steph about when river should be rescued

~~thread with simon: watch for it; should be posted tomorrow~~
~~thread with miguel and tulio's entrance: watch it~~
~~next is azula thread; finish this up~~
start plane crash thread; this can be done now
~~next comes the reno wakes up thread: watch it~~

after that, things are caught up
figure out the giant snake that kills you/temple thread; get it posted
all the fight threads whee this will be fun
kill the snake
get on with life
file the fafsa eventually; register for classes bleh

i feel like i'm forgetting something but i can't even think right now so tired so bed and i guess i'll think of more arbitrary shit to do tomorrow

oh. blockbuster. check on that.

OMG OMG OMG

2008-04-06T09:54:21Z

For the first time in like...six months WE HAVE FINISHED A CHAPTER!!! Beyond Good and Evil is OFFICIALLY ANOTHER CHAPTER LONGER NOW o happy day. XD Even though we've been posting chapters this whole time, we haven't been writing any--THE TRUTH IS OUT! We have been depriving you, and updating every so often with chapters drawn from our TREMENDOUS BACKLOG.

We stopped writing the fic actively way back when we posted Chapter Nineteen. XD;;; aheheheh don't kill us ._.;; We were at Chapter Thirty-Two, and were stuck writing a scene there. (We'd also written Chapter Thirty-Three in full, and all of Thirty-Four XD;; and uh, most of Thirty-Five, and even parts of Thirty-Six.) BUT YES. Now Ch32 is done, and since 33 and 34 are done, it's on to 35! I'm so excited you have no idea.

But, yes. We'd had THAT much backlog...half a year ago. And been posting slowly out of this backlog...even though we had up to chapter 31 finished. ...half a year ago.

...like i said...please don't kill us DX

SO ESSITED NOW WE CAN BUILD UP MOAR BACKLOG *FOAMSDAWJFLAGJWF*

OMG

2008-04-02T18:39:27Z

HORY CLAP HAPPY BIRTHDAY synthesize!!!

also sooncold, syringes, duplicitous_rex, pyrographical, and for some reason also bawdy_wrench. >:[

...in america .-.

aenigmadarai @ 2008-03-31T16:00:00

2008-03-31T21:06:07Z

blargh i'm sick this is terrible

it was really random and sudden too. normally i have a nice slow buildup to a sinus infection, but no~ this one suckerpunched me in the face D: flight home from phoenix went fine; morning after i wake with a sore throat, no big deal--dry air on planes and wot.

this morning? I WAKE UP TO DOGS BARKING FOR TWO HOURS before my alarm. i am tired and feel like shit. i spent most of the night with a stuffy nose, rolling over a lot to try and ease the sinus pressure... i skip school, big surprise there (i totally WANTED to go, but because the dog wouldn't shut the fuck up i got no sleep and was ded) and then Mia comes home with an emergency college situation--it's srs bsnss.

so i get up and go troubleshoot with her. AND I START DYING LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW. seriously. headache, dizziness, nausea (though i haven't eaten since yesterday; that might have something to do with it). i didn't notice but Mia also pointed out that i was, uh, limping? apparently? i know one of my legs is shorter than the other (bad back => hips off kilter => right leg shorter) but apparently she noticed my gait was off? she really is like reno sometimes ^_^

I DIED CLIMBING STAIRS. how sad is that? i came upstairs and like...just collapsed on the couch like a loser.

oh! in other news, new icon XD praise be to Cakes

hopes to prove this icon true

2008-03-21T03:51:27Z

i fail so much at life that i wish i needed to specify that it's not even funny. the very thought that anyone might find it funny enough to warrant me saying that it's not funny is absurd.

Hey mom. I hate to email you like this, and that's probably why I've been putting it off. I'm in pretty dire straits and need a loan. I feel like a failure and a leech and I'm so sorry it's come to this, but here I am, the fabled kid gone off to college, writing home when the cash has run dry.

I'm so unhappy right now, mom. My job, which I routinely describe as great, really...isn't all that great. I just don't want you to worry, and when you ask how everything is, I try to say "Fine" or at least put a "fine" spin on it. I'm exhausted and stressed and though yes, my job at TxLC is much better than my job at Mac Shack, it's still...waiting tables. It's still pretending I care about people's dinner when I can't even care about my own damn grades. It's still smiling at people who gave me four dollars after running me ragged for an hour and a half, still saying "thank you" when I really mean "fuck you"; it...still is soul-sucking customer service, and I hate it. I hate going. Just knowing I have to go that night ruins my whole day; I dread waking up when I have to go to work. I skip school on the days I have to go to work, because I feel so oppressed by obligation. I cut back my hours a month ago, to try and ward off the burnout, to try and help the way I feel--maybe if I went less, I'd hate it less--but it hasn't really helped.

Well, it's sort of helped my sanity. It's less days I wish I'd never woken up because it means I have to go to work again, I guess. But with the hours cut, we were barely scraping by, and this month we're gone for the last week of it, and we have more expenses because of that wedding we can't back out of because we have the plane tickets and can't transfer them again or we lose them entirely (plus I...really want to go; I think that maybe getting away and being part of something that feels like it matters will help).

That's part of why work feels so wretched--no matter what I do, how hard I work, how much I run and bend over backward and put forth the effort to make the people at my tables happy, they're not happy anyway, and they tip me %10 or worse. And while a lot of the people I wait on are happy, they tip poorly anyway because they don't know any better. Every table I wait on feels like...I'm throwing my life away; it's no wonder I hate going. Every night I go to work feels like I'm gouging out a little bit more of myself and throwing it into some bottomless pit full of fatcat Westlakers like dad, who wasted their lives making tons of money by being miserable and tightfisted, and now that they have money they're so miserable they can't even be happy when other people are bending over backwards to please them.

I'll admit that I put myself into the mess I'm in right now. If I could just suck it up and go to work every night and work doubles on the weekends when I don't have school, I wouldn't be seven hundred dollars in the hole right now. If I could somehow manage to push through the soul-sucking savagery of it, break through my loathing of the people who come in and smile and treat me like shit and leave me insufficient recompense for their treatment and my efforts, table after table, night after night, I'd...I'd have money. I would. I know that. And I want you to know it too.

That means I'm asking you for help selfishly, because if I could just deal with my unhappiness and shut up and push onward and work hard every day, I'd be all right. I'd have the cash to live on...and I'd have made it by being miserable and tightfisted just like the people who come eat at work every day. I just...can't bring myself to do it, mom. I'm miserable enough; I already feel like I'm breaking apart. I can't really express just how hopeless I feel--going to work isn't even worth it.

Going to work does nothing but earn me the money I need to pay for this apartment I don't want to be living in and buying half-rate food I don't want to be eating, while making me so miserable and exhausted I skip class when I need to be going and doze off in class when I do manage to go. It's getting in the way of my dreams--it kills my creativity and makes me want to do nothing more than shirk my homework and pass out.

I want two things: I want to teach English in Japan, and I want to write novels and be a published writer. I don't think these are selfish dreams, but these days I have no energy for them. I go to work, come home, feel wretched and kill time trying to feel less wretched until I notice it's getting late and then I go pass out. I don't write anything; I can't even conceive of editing something...and a lot of days I'm so tired that when my alarm goes off telling me to get up and go to school, I just turn it off in a fit of indignant exhaustion and go back to sleep hoping I'll wake up to something better. I'm so sorry; I know you're working hard to pay for my schooling and I feel so terrible squandering it like I am--I...have been too ashamed to tell you about it for a while now.

I feel like I failed you. You make me feel this way a lot less so than dad does, but...I feel like I'm supposed to be the hope of the family, the prodigal progeny who goes forth and is a shining success. Why not? I'm smart, creative, empowered, (usually) energetic; I've got a good heart and achievable dreams and the powerful forces of creation at my disposal, but I am not Source any more than I am happy to be me right now, and...I feel that on top of the miseries of being unhappy in the first place, I'm also letting you down by being unhappy in the first place. You've put forth so much money, time, and effort so I can move forward and...here I am, so distressed I'm crying and so desperate I've broken down and am asking you to spend even more money on me.

I've considered moving back home. I really can't do that, though, if only because the return address on my submission to TOR Publishing is this apartment address, and I've found that apartment complexes are tragically bad at forwarding things. I'm not willing to leave a possible "yes" in the hands of some disinterested and impersonal office staff; I can't move back home until I hear back from TOR, at the very least. Also, I've seen what moving back home is doing to Lindsay's rather frail self-esteem and I want no part in that...though I wonder how much better I'm doing, asking for money as I am. I also couldn't really abandon Mia--she's about all that's keeping me sane right now anyway.

I love you, mom. And I'm really sorry to be asking you like this, especially since you already helped us out this month. If you could stand to front me five hundred dollars, that would really help out--I know I said we're more in the hole than that, but we'll be hitting some pawn shops tomorrow, pawning off whatever electronics we don't need and selling our textbooks, since they're fairly expensive and might bring in some decent cash. No sign of my tax return; Mia got hers and it's gone already (we had some surprise expenses I hadn't been budgeting for, and our cable bill was astronomical because we've been trying to contest it)... It's like $300 that I should get eventually, but at the moment can't rely on. I was hoping I'd get it soon, and then things would be all right--my tax return and the money from our textbooks would have gotten us through all right, but then Mia's car insurance spiked due to some miscommunication between Geico (her old provider) and Progressive (her new one) and suddenly we need another two hundred dollars and...that's when I just cracked.

Sorry for ranting to you about all this. And...sorry for telling you all at once, instead of being honest and keeping you informed as time went on. I just didn't want you to worry about me...I didn't want to let you down. I love you, and...I wanted you to be proud of me. Except there's not much to be proud of these days.

i called her on the phone...

2008-02-12T21:14:19Z

i'm doing the thing where i'm waiting again. just...waiting. no goal no purpose no nothing just waiting (and playing KHII to kill time while i do).

Things I'm waiting for:

Friday. This sounds stupid typical kid-who-doesn't-want-to-go-to-school bitch, but it's not. See, tomorrow's my birthday. My 21st birthday, to be precise. But instead of doing birthday things I'll be working on a group project I'm too pussy to flake out on. A group project I haven't started yet. I probably won't start it until Wednesday. I'll get home and throw it together and email it off and that'll be that. At least I know I procrastinate. It makes the guilt easier. When's the absolute latest I could start and still get it done? That's when I'll do it; none of this "I should be working on my project >>" bullshit.

Also? Thursday is Valentine's. Another reason I want it to be Friday. Not because I'm an emo V-day hating "Singles Awareness Day" loser or anything...it's just the busiest night of the year in the restaurant business. I'm expecting a slew of two tops keeping me completely busy, leaving mediocre tips (boyfriends don't like to tip girl waitresses real well in front of their dates) ALL NIGHT with NO RESPITE. DX And I can't get out of it unless I quit my job. Bleh.

So I can't even go drinking on my 21st (like my older brother's been planning for like...two years) because I have to be top-notch the day after. I fuckin'...hate February.

Other things I'm waiting for:

School to be over. I want to graduate and be done with it; I want to have nothing to do in the morning so I can stay up and sleep in and I'll go to work almost every night to make up the lack of finaid but I'm so sick of educational obligation getting in the way of my physical health and mental well-being.

March. Spring break and all, you know. Also there's a wedding I'm apparently going to...I'm realizing it's a bad idea for me to go but I RSVP'd already, so it's too late now. Hopefully no one will notice the wtf FIVE YEAR AGE GAP between me and like...everyone else there. Is that how I'll be in five years? Gods, it seems so long...and I feel like Lenin with his failed attempts at organizing life.

April. Tax returns. Maybe I can actually save some bloody money this time around.

May. Omg no school...until summer school. DX I'm two semesters behind in my Japanese and so I have to take something each term. Also? May is the four-month mark; TOR replies within four to six months :o

July. Six month mark. It's movin' and shakin' time--either I'll be working on a contract, on a resubmissions packet if I haven't heard back, or on a submissions packet for another publishing company. On top of summer school. >>

December. I graduate, if all goes according to plan. From there I don't really know what the fuck I'm gonna do, since I won't go to Japan without Mia. Keep writing, I guess. I realize my plan is so fucking shoddy compared to others... Bleh. At least it's within a year, though. I feel so bad for Mia and Cakes, with their dreams so far down the road it's like reaching up to gather stardust...

and...i feel so bad being jealous over Alex >> it's so stupid; I've got no right. Maybe...maybe that's what I need--what we need. Some sense of...love, or something. It's like all we do is work together; we're a financial partnership and we used to have fun together... I used to not feel like I was imposing every time I posted to you, but these days...I feel like you're only posting back so I won't be sad. I want you to love it too. I miss that.

Where'd it go? When did we stop having fun and start acting (gods forbid I even say it) like we're married? We just sleep next to each other, get up, mope, eat, go to work, bring home a few slices of bacon, and sit around moping until we go to sleep next to each other again. I miss you, and you're always right there with me. And it feels like...maybe, just maybe, this whole...jealousy thing is pointing me in the direction of a cure. I don't know. Maybe I'll just make you sad again.

there is nowhere you can hide

Our Story

Tabletop Game Engine

Anon. Love

Lol guys, I took that quiz as Tifa...

To-Do List

TEMP! \o/

Dear Other, a poem

Fic Update :o

KH Fic

Friends Only!

KH Fic

let's get fucked up and die

Heart of Swords

you've gotta be fucking kidding me

STEF!

aenigmadarai @ 2008-07-26T01:23:00

aenigmadarai @ 2008-07-17T02:39:00

Affectation - Chapter One

ATTN:

aenigmadarai @ 2008-04-16T03:10:00

OMG OMG OMG

OMG

aenigmadarai @ 2008-03-31T16:00:00

*hopes to prove this icon true*

i called her on the phone...

hopes to prove this icon true