to-do list:

figure out and write up the politics post; cross-link it and blah
finish closing out thursday; codify and organize
talk to stef about the tournament
talk to steph about when river should be rescued

thread with simon: watch for it; should be posted tomorrow
thread with miguel and tulio's entrance: watch it
next is azula thread; finish this up
start plane crash thread; this can be done now
next comes the reno wakes up thread: watch it

after that, things are caught up
figure out the giant snake that kills you/temple thread; get it posted
all the fight threads whee this will be fun
kill the snake
get on with life
file the fafsa eventually; register for classes bleh

i feel like i'm forgetting something but i can't even think right now so tired so bed and i guess i'll think of more arbitrary shit to do tomorrow

oh. blockbuster. check on that.

For the first time in like...six months WE HAVE FINISHED A CHAPTER!!! Beyond Good and Evil is OFFICIALLY ANOTHER CHAPTER LONGER NOW o happy day. XD Even though we've been posting chapters this whole time, we haven't been writing any--THE TRUTH IS OUT! We have been depriving you, and updating every so often with chapters drawn from our TREMENDOUS BACKLOG.

We stopped writing the fic actively way back when we posted Chapter Nineteen. XD;;; aheheheh don't kill us ._.;; We were at Chapter Thirty-Two, and were stuck writing a scene there. (We'd also written Chapter Thirty-Three in full, and all of Thirty-Four XD;; and uh, most of Thirty-Five, and even parts of Thirty-Six.) BUT YES. Now Ch32 is done, and since 33 and 34 are done, it's on to 35! I'm so excited you have no idea.

But, yes. We'd had THAT much backlog...half a year ago. And been posting slowly out of this backlog...even though we had up to chapter 31 finished. ...half a year ago.

...like i said...please don't kill us DX

SO ESSITED NOW WE CAN BUILD UP MOAR BACKLOG *FOAMSDAWJFLAGJWF*

HORY CLAP HAPPY BIRTHDAY synthesize!!!

also sooncold, syringes, duplicitous_rex, pyrographical, and for some reason also bawdy_wrench. >:[

...in america .-.

blargh i'm sick this is terrible

it was really random and sudden too. normally i have a nice slow buildup to a sinus infection, but no~ this one suckerpunched me in the face D: flight home from phoenix went fine; morning after i wake with a sore throat, no big deal--dry air on planes and wot.

this morning? I WAKE UP TO DOGS BARKING FOR TWO HOURS before my alarm. i am tired and feel like shit. i spent most of the night with a stuffy nose, rolling over a lot to try and ease the sinus pressure... i skip school, big surprise there (i totally WANTED to go, but because the dog wouldn't shut the fuck up i got no sleep and was ded) and then Mia comes home with an emergency college situation--it's srs bsnss.

so i get up and go troubleshoot with her. AND I START DYING LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW. seriously. headache, dizziness, nausea (though i haven't eaten since yesterday; that might have something to do with it). i didn't notice but Mia also pointed out that i was, uh, limping? apparently? i know one of my legs is shorter than the other (bad back => hips off kilter => right leg shorter) but apparently she noticed my gait was off? she really is like reno sometimes ^_^

I DIED CLIMBING STAIRS. how sad is that? i came upstairs and like...just collapsed on the couch like a loser.

oh! in other news, new icon XD praise be to Cakes

i fail so much at life that i wish i needed to specify that it's not even funny. the very thought that anyone might find it funny enough to warrant me saying that it's not funny is absurd.

( Email to my mom )

i'm doing the thing where i'm waiting again. just...waiting. no goal no purpose no nothing just waiting (and playing KHII to kill time while i do).

Things I'm waiting for:

Friday. This sounds stupid typical kid-who-doesn't-want-to-go-to-school bitch, but it's not. See, tomorrow's my birthday. My 21st birthday, to be precise. But instead of doing birthday things I'll be working on a group project I'm too pussy to flake out on. A group project I haven't started yet. I probably won't start it until Wednesday. I'll get home and throw it together and email it off and that'll be that. At least I know I procrastinate. It makes the guilt easier. When's the absolute latest I could start and still get it done? That's when I'll do it; none of this "I should be working on my project >>" bullshit.

Also? Thursday is Valentine's. Another reason I want it to be Friday. Not because I'm an emo V-day hating "Singles Awareness Day" loser or anything...it's just the busiest night of the year in the restaurant business. I'm expecting a slew of two tops keeping me completely busy, leaving mediocre tips (boyfriends don't like to tip girl waitresses real well in front of their dates) ALL NIGHT with NO RESPITE. DX And I can't get out of it unless I quit my job. Bleh.

So I can't even go drinking on my 21st (like my older brother's been planning for like...two years) because I have to be top-notch the day after. I fuckin'...hate February.

Other things I'm waiting for:

School to be over. I want to graduate and be done with it; I want to have nothing to do in the morning so I can stay up and sleep in and I'll go to work almost every night to make up the lack of finaid but I'm so sick of educational obligation getting in the way of my physical health and mental well-being.

March. Spring break and all, you know. Also there's a wedding I'm apparently going to...I'm realizing it's a bad idea for me to go but I RSVP'd already, so it's too late now. Hopefully no one will notice the wtf FIVE YEAR AGE GAP between me and like...everyone else there. Is that how I'll be in five years? Gods, it seems so long...and I feel like Lenin with his failed attempts at organizing life.

April. Tax returns. Maybe I can actually save some bloody money this time around.

May. Omg no school...until summer school. DX I'm two semesters behind in my Japanese and so I have to take something each term. Also? May is the four-month mark; TOR replies within four to six months :o

July. Six month mark. It's movin' and shakin' time--either I'll be working on a contract, on a resubmissions packet if I haven't heard back, or on a submissions packet for another publishing company. On top of summer school. >>

December. I graduate, if all goes according to plan. From there I don't really know what the fuck I'm gonna do, since I won't go to Japan without Mia. Keep writing, I guess. I realize my plan is so fucking shoddy compared to others... Bleh. At least it's within a year, though. I feel so bad for Mia and Cakes, with their dreams so far down the road it's like reaching up to gather stardust...


and...i feel so bad being jealous over Alex >> it's so stupid; I've got no right. Maybe...maybe that's what I need--what we need. Some sense of...love, or something. It's like all we do is work together; we're a financial partnership and we used to have fun together... I used to not feel like I was imposing every time I posted to you, but these days...I feel like you're only posting back so I won't be sad. I want you to love it too. I miss that.

Where'd it go? When did we stop having fun and start acting (gods forbid I even say it) like we're married? We just sleep next to each other, get up, mope, eat, go to work, bring home a few slices of bacon, and sit around moping until we go to sleep next to each other again. I miss you, and you're always right there with me. And it feels like...maybe, just maybe, this whole...jealousy thing is pointing me in the direction of a cure. I don't know. Maybe I'll just make you sad again.

Reading Cassie's entries always makes me feel tragically complacent. Like, I hardly know her in real life, but all the things I see across her LJ really shake me from my usual perch atop the literati food chain and I wonder what's really so great about me anyway. She knows French and Turkish, has dreams about travel that completely blow mine out of the water, and even the dissatisfactions with her courses give the impression that she's restless and building inner momentum for when she gets her diploma and the ice breaks and she can just race forward, plunging headfirst into the rest of her life and leaving most college graduates befuddled at the starting line.

I'm not jealous, which is strange--normally when I perceive someone genuinely better than me I turn about as green as a three-toed sloth, though I usually only do about as much as one about it. (For those of you who don't know, they turn green because they're so sedentary their fur grows algae. It's a very apt analogy, believe me.) But when I read Cassie's LJ I just feel horrendously complacent, not even inadequate. Just...complacent. Here she is with all these hopes and dreams and dissatisfactions about life and coursework, and I'm left looking at my general contentment with everything I've built for myself and going, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" And even as I wonder, I find that I'm content to be content.

Sorry if this is weird. Oo; I'm rather new at the whole LJ-friends thing; normally I'm friends with someone in real life for a while before the LJ-friend thing happens, or I've never met the person in real life at all. So I'm not sure of the etiquette I'm breaching. I don't know--what're the rules for things like this?

Anyway...regardless of the reason, I've started reviewing my goals and wondering if I'm really hot shit like I've built myself up to be. As I sit here listening to Evanescence as Mia's playing it, I have to consider...there's not much I've actually...done with myself. I sat around for six years and wrote some books, none of which are published. I made maybe five friends (in real life) and lost two of them. I changed schools and then changed back, and I'm never sure whether to count that as progress in my decision-making and chasing my own desires, or as a relapse, being unable to make it on my own and choosing to run home with a tail between my legs (whose tail, I do not know; apparently a spinal extension was the extent of my growth in San Antonio).

I moved out of my mom's house...and moved in with Mia. I was homeless for a while and had to go back, and now I'm out again. She still pays my car insurance and phone bill; I got a job and find it a dead-end with nowhere to go but laterally, hopping from place to place without ever really climbing up out of the cesspit of my own inefficiencies.

I have dreams, I promise. I have goals--get published, get a front-loan and a good contract and quit my shitty day job (which is really an evening-job but you hush) and be a real writer. I want to move to Japan and teach English there as a real day job while I am a real writer. But I'd like to visit first, and...I don't know if I'll ever have the money to do that. I live pretty hand-to-mouth as it is; saving up for the trip seems less and less worth it in the long run. Too much headache, too many expenses. Too many people wanting me to spend money on too many things I know we don't really need.

I spent $50 tonight on dinner. I made $42 tonight at work.

But despite everything, I'm...happy. My book is sent and I'm waiting to hear back from TOR. It will probably be rejection and in a few months I'll start getting together another submissions packet I can send the day I get put down...but the work's done and it's all about waiting right now. I need to graduate so I can get a work visa and teach in Japan. So that's more waiting, just cruising through my deplorably easy classes with a minimum of effort and the outcome of A's. And I wonder if I'm complacent because life is easy or if life is easy because I'm complacent.

I don't know the faculty at school. I'm in no clubs or groups, hardly have any friends I met in college; I come I sit I listen I guess you could say I learn I go home and I get back to my life in front of the computer, where I am a god among men and I take whole universes in my hands with an ease that makes the mighty Atlas envy my little finger and a confidence that makes politicians want to cry.

...On a side note, I'm sure they all do want to cry. They seem like such lonely, miserable people...but that is neither here nor there.

Maybe that's why I'm so detached from the world at large. I have so many more, larger worlds, all within my head and at my fingertips, growing and swirling like the galaxies inside the marbles of alien children playing in their little green schoolyards. And those worlds so vastly outweigh the single one in which I am a part that...to waste time being miserable about my own life seems so petty in relation to the hundreds of lives that hinge on my giving them existence, the hundreds of realms and worlds and places and stories and languages that I know exist but no one else can see because I've yet to breathe them into life in this world. They are no more real than dreams and I've been charged with something so much greater than myself...to give these people life and form, to chart the uncharted and to share the unknown with a world that quite honestly might not care.

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. But I guess the general conclusion is that complacency is what you make it, and it's not a lack of a thirst for change and more an act of self-preservation and focus than anything else. Sure I could be proactive and work hard and forge lots of relationships and contacts with any number of important people if I just...cared...enough. But they are, in the end, insignificant, unnecessary to my cause and unimportant to my dreams. I sleep through life because that's where all the dreams are to be had, and the way to make them coalesce is not to work and drive and be driven, but to let them waft and flow and enrich themselves while I try to capture them with words that will never and could never be enough.

Cakes - helped write the damn thing, read every revision of every chapter and all units of submissions packet, went with me to the damn copy shop &hearts&hearts♥
Phil - read and reviewed chapter one
Mia - read chapter one
Riley - did a bit of concept art
Fi - beta'd up to chapter 13
Callie - read and helped revise synopsis draft
Signs - read and helped revise synopsis draft
Steph - read and helped revise synopsis
Stef - BETA'D EVERYTHING OMG all chapters and synopsis draft

okay, did I forget anyone or anything someone did?

i guess i expected to feel different. i expected the world to resonate around me, grand and epic and incontrovertible. i guess i expected every sound to be clearer, every color brighter, every sensation sharper and more present and real.

i expected to somehow feel irrepressably alive. but instead i'm simply here, just as alive as yesterday, no more and no less.

it seems the same in all things. everything is horrible, but if we just move to a bigger apartment everything will turn around. if we just had a different job i wouldn't dread going to work. once the new semester starts, i'll be back in the zone.

but it's not that way. there is no zone, no magic fix-all way to find yourself and your passions. it's not a 'once i get my finaid check everything will be coming up roses'. sure, some changes are good and some changes make things better, but the problems are still there.

money. bane of all existence.

so the finaid clears and we pay our debts. we buy a washing machine. we get textbooks. but the problems are still there, lingering in the corners of the daylight like cobwebs sent to shadow the warmths we can find.

once i get my book sent...

the final clause blows away sound by sound on the wind, and i can't even remember what it was i thought anymore. it echoes, hollow and empty, telling me that once it happens nothing changes. all through life, accomplishment after accomplishment, and the problems are still there, waiting to be worked through.

once i have time--

always, always, waiting, making self-promises only to break them at the first signs of outside turmoil. where did all the money go? where is the joy life once had?

sucked away down the drain of holding a job.

an acute and intellectual dissatisfaction rises like the tide, echoing the phases of some distant moon. this isn't me. this isn't what i want. this isn't my life.

when i graduate i don't know what i'll do. my plans are years down the road, to wait and go teach english in japan with mia and not before. but in the meantime, what?

writing.

the book is sent, by may or july i'll hear back. onward or back to the drawing board? will i be waitressing her way through college, paying off my loans through tips and struggling to find someone willing to let me make my dreams come true? will i end up a bucket of nothing but broken plans and faulty goals?

i don't want to be like her.

grow forward, never back. it is not the events that make life, it is my own creations. once i move things will be better. once i get a new job things will be better. once we have a washing machine, once we get the hang of school, once we have the free time, once my book is sent...

but these things mean little and possibly nothing. waiting for life to get better is like waiting for stagnant water to run clear. working is the only way forward, and i don't mean at a restaurant.

work forward. what are your goals? publish novels; be a writer. make my living off my written word. send the book and wait.

they collide. stagnation and progress. to work forward means to submit my manuscript and wait. i feel useless. nothing more that i can do. it's in someone else's hands now.

some stranger in new york pushes my dreams in a mail cart along with countless other dreams. another plucks my dreams up out of the pile and opens them, a pandora's box of hopes and faith. and doubt.

some stranger flips through my dreams, perusing them for merit. dreams not up to standard fall by the wayside; my dreams cannot have no worth.

but i, being poor, have nothing but my dreams

and if my dreams too are tossed by the wayside, what then? do i wait, tables and otherwise, in misery until mia graduates? will i be relegated to waitress?

the thought of those dreams lying wasted by the wayside twists in my heart. i cannot do it. it cannot be so. i will work forward and even if i have to wait a thousand times, in that waiting i am working and so i will wait.

tread lightly...

          my future is in my own hands. and i will try a thousand times to find some stranger willing to let me guide myself.

...for you tread upon my dreams

MY BOOK IS SENT! IT IS SENT. I SENT IT. IT IS SENT. OMG.

problem: a certain apathy and dissatisfaction with life.

solution: a near-death experience.

yes that's right, boys and girls. i almost died. and by almost died i mean almost spun off the road, plowing BACKWARDS through a guard rail and careening into a gulch, the impact of which would have likely killed me, especially with the way i was sitting at the time--which would be one ankle over my knee.

instead, i spun out of control and managed to kill enough time to speed PAST the guard rail and so when i plowed backwards off the road, perpendicular to the road itself, i managed to slam into a hill, rather than the guard rail.

it was scary, to say the least. the ironic thing is that in the hour of stop-and-go traffic leading up to the spin out, i'd found myself reflecting on how lucky i was. i had friends who loved me, a boyfriend who genuinely cared about me, parents who both actually gave a damn despite the different ways they showed it... i had things going for me. i was smart, moderately motivated (even though few people actually gave an honest damn about the things i loved, ie my book and affiliated languages--but i had an rp going for me, and people cared about that, and a few people read my cooperative fanfic, and a few others cared about three crossings, and a few others at least pretended to find interest in my novels), i had a book ready for publishing, had a school career drawing rapidly to a close and a plan, albeit shaky and distant, for my future--to teach english in japan with mia while i wrote novels.

sitting in this hour of bumper-to-bumper traffic induced by a horrible wreck (an 18-wheeler had flipped over on a major highway), i found myself sympathizing with the people involved. i hoped they were okay. i thought about their families, wondered who would miss them if they'd died, who would have stayed up all night praying if they'd gotten hurt, who would have flipped out and held them all night if they'd made it through all right. who would appreciate their lives if they were still to be had...and who would speak at the funeral if they weren't. who would cry for them?

i found myself hoping no one had to cry. hoping that somehow everyone was okay. hoping that the worst that would happen would be panicked tears and fervent hugs (possibly kisses); that the worst the night had to offer would be some heavy drinking and shaky communication, some exhausted people suddenly very aware of just how fragile they were and just how easily they could have been snuffed out that night... their hopes, their dreams, their future, the careers, the friends, the goals, the passions and the hobbies, the families, the reconciliations they'd worked toward, and the reconciliations yet to be had.

and then the traffic cleared up and i found myself going a little faster than usual, eager to get to my mom's house so i could spend some time with her since i'd suddenly begun to appreciate everything i had so much...

...and then my car spun out of control.

and the next thing i knew--and by knew i mean actually bothered to cognitively consider, rather than panicked thoughts (i remember articulating "...shit. oh ssshit," quite distinctly and strangely calmly, like a statement of fact rather than an exclamation of fear)--i was...bewildered. i was on the side of the road, backwards with the engine stalled and my foot on the break, staring at the road itself and hanging somewhat limply forward from my seatbelt, and i was bewildered. like i was incredulous.

incredulity faded. and then i took my own pulse. keep in mind i have no idea how to take pulses. i pressed my first two fingers into the right side of my neck and felt the wild heartrate, and a rattling breath dove in and then back out of me.

well. that was interesting.

and the first thing i actually thought--as opposed to felt or did, because they were quite separate--was that i really hoped my car still worked. my first thought was one of considerate concern; i didn't want to inconvenience anyone by being unable to get myself anywhere. i was worried that someone would have to take the time out of their life to come get me off the side of the road.

i suppose i should have spent my time appreciating how lucky i'd just been. or thanking whatever gods are out there that they'd seen fit to let me get out of that all right. but no. instead i was worried someone would find my plight inconvenient.

at least i wasn't in the middle of the road. at least i wouldn't be the cause of an hour's worth of detour and traffic for other people. at least my car worked and no one would have to come get me. i could continue my autonomous trek to my own destinations.

but then i got to my mom's house. and i melted down.

hours later, the alcohol's wearing off, i've eaten enough food to be considered a meal, even if it consisted of crackers, cheese, summer sausage, and whatever carbohydrates are in beer. i've thoroughly immersed myself in the joys of family and satellite usuals who grace my mother's home.

...gods they're annoying. i think the only one who didn't either antagonize or annoy me was vence's girlfriend debbie. vence, reed, becca, leo, sean, even my mother with the way she pressed a glass of wine into my hand to settle my nerves and insisted that no matter what i wanted to do the best thing for me would be to spend the night on the couch--all of them bothered me to some degree. i wanted to slap becca across the face, a fact i spared no time informing her of.

and now, amidst all the people in my family...i am so incredibly lonely i could cry. this night of all nights should have been one spent with people who loved me, people i loved. mia, cakes...jesse, perhaps. such a small group. so tragically small. there are others, to be sure, those i don't speak with regularly enough, those far away or those growing distant, those i don't bother keeping up with simply because i'm too busy, those who don't bother with me unless they can't get through to other people...

...all in all, it's so small. so few people to whom i actually make a difference. so few people who would even notice my absence as anything more than an inconvenience on their drive home. and maybe i'd be lucky enough to have someone out there enduring through that inconvenience with the compassion to consider i had a life, a family and friends, people who would miss me...and perhaps they'd have the goodness of heart to hope i'd be all right.

is this karma? did i make it through okay because i sent that out into the universe, a sincere desire for those whose wreck had inconvenienced me among countless others to live through the night? or to even pass through their experience unscathed?

i could be a smear on the pavement right now. i could be a splat on a hummer's passenger side door, a spray across a guard rail and a stain on an old chevy malibu's upholstery. but i'm not, and it was through no grace of my own, no quick thinking and no skill. i am alive through sheer luck alone, and nothing is so humbling as owing your entire life to the winds of fate and the whims of probabilities.

alia iacta est. roll the dice and watch it spin; when it comes to land what number shows? the feeling is something like that, something along the lines of your very existence riding on the outcome of that roll, and you not even knowing what number needs to show for you to keep going. the dice just land and you're still alive, and you're left with the feeling that apparently the numbers were good enough.

gods forbid you have to roll again, though. it might not be good enough next time.

i'm lucky to be alive. but tomorrow i still have to go to work, and on tuesday i still have to go to school; i've won nothing through this gamble. no special privileges, no exemptions, no compassions or additional kindnesses--i even got yelled at for being who i am tonight.

i'm not sure what i was hoping for. all i've earned is the right to keep breathing, the right to keep toiling, the right to keep getting yelled at, being sick and having no insurance, going to work and pretending i care about people's meals, doing homework i feel serves no purpose. the right to be so busy i don't have the time to do what i truly love...

...and part of me wonders what the point was at all.

don't worry, though, those inclined to worry for me. the rest of me wonders what i've been wasting so much of my time for anyway.

expect changes. don't be surprised if nothing comes of it, but expect them nonetheless. i don't intend to let this go easily, though it might very well slip away like every other lesson i've ever learned. but i don't want to be a waste of my own space anymore.

if i'd gone tonight, i'd have left behind a vacuum of un-accomplishments and half-finished endeavors. and there's something more tragic in that than in all the admittedly few souls that would ache for me. in time they would heal.

but those endeavors would never shake themselves awake and coalesce without me.

has intarnet has :o
has new apartment and new job has
SOOO BEHIND D:

i'd hate my life if i weren't constantly too hysterically miserable to put forth the effort

I am, by nature, a very forgiving and patient person. As a general rule, I don't vent my exasperations, nor do I lash out at others for my own disappointments. But here's a quick rundown of easy steps you can take to stir up a righteous indignation so great it could bring global corporations to their knees:

1) appear professional. This is key; appearing professional gives the indication that you are professional, and gives rise to the expectation that you be, and remain, professional at all times.

2) make promises. This too is key; a promise, particularly in a professional setting, in which said promise is documented and signed by all parties involved, also gives rise to certain expectations.

3) renege on those promises. Nothing is more frustrating than disappointment, but even at this point I'd be willing to extend some manner of patience and forgiveness. But don't give up! You're almost there...press on!

4) appear unremorseful and unhelpful. All right, now we're getting to to good stuff! It's not enough to simply fall through on your professional contract, after all; you have to do everything you can to not assume responsibility for that which you were contracted to ensure, to the extent that you flat-out refuse to offer compensations for your fuckups.

5) make a new promise. At this point, I would be quite dubious about your word in general, but ever the optimist, I would take you at your word and afford you the chance to redeem yourself.

6) call everyone involved the day before the deadline of your most recent promise, and leave vague, undecipherable messages. It wouldn't do to be clear and concise about the point of your call; make sure to leave everyone guessing as to whether your news is good or bad. Nothing frustrates quite like an anxious churning in the pit of my stomach as I fear the worst!

7) when I call you back within ten minutes, don't answer your phone. You want to give the impression that you truly don't give a shit.

8) when we finally do contact each other, deliver me more bad news. Tell me your most recent promise is no good, and extend another tenuous offer in hopes of repeating steps 4-7!

There you are, an easy 8-step process to piss me right the fuck off. Oh, you best hope that step 8 never happens; if you aren't calling to tell me that they finished our place a day early and we can in fact move in today, there will be a torrential flurry of choice words and legal repercussions beyond your wildest dreams don't even think I'm kidding. Right now, I'm currently trapped in the limbo of waiting for an apparently incompetent woman to return my calls, and if the first words out of her mouth aren't "good news" I swear I'll tear her a new one and make sure she contracts the same construction crew to repair it.

I hope you're aware of how entirely unacceptable this is. While yes, we were originally told the date would be somewhat nebulous, we were assured that date would fall within the month of November, and then we were told that date would be the 15th. This negates the original "nebulous date" warning. When you pushed back the date to the 30th, this too kept in line with the hard-date-more-binding-than-original-warning, and similarly, when you pushed back the date to the 7th despite breaking our lease to do so, you were expected to hold fast to this date. You cannot hide behind a warning mentioned a month ago when you've been giving promises to the contrary ever since then. This is unacceptable.

The other options you offered came too late. If those were going to be our only options come crunch time, you should have simply suggested them up front, instead of stringing us along for over a month. I understand that construction teams are unreliable, which is why I've extended you a three week grace period of patience and tolerance. At this point, however, it is clear to me that you could very well have fired the old team and hired a new one, if you honestly were working to come through on your end. You've given the appearance of being incompetent and unprofessional, and further excuses will not be tolerated.

Depending on projected expenses, you will be hearing from my lawyer. I am unwilling to allow you to disappoint me further. I will be finding my living arrangements elsewhere and expect from you no less than entire compensation for the expenses of moving twice, storage times, gasoline, and the mental and physiological traumas of coping with your constant unreliability, and also any difference in rent per month between your quoted $740 and the established rent of my new apartment, plus legal fees.

This is not a game. It is not okay to do this to people. You have done nothing but disappoint and drive us into tenuous homelessness with the promise of coming through for us. So unless your phone call is to let us know the apartment is ready right the fuck now, or at the very least will be ready, as promised, tomorrow, then things are going to get very ugly very quickly.

great golly gee, yesterday was the best day ever! and gee whiz, this week is gonna be great! 8D!

アパートがないよ。
かなしい ；_；

...i hope i don't get fired ._.

mia's in the shower now. i'm sick and i'm really tired and i feel like i'm gonna barf and if i get fired that would really top of the shittasticisty of today.

yes i made up words don't FUCK with me >:[

oh. my. god.

could today get any more horrible?

long story short, we went to san marcos to do some recycling, and then we got lost coming out of san marcos. that's not so bad; we were retarded and took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in Guadalupe county. AGAIN. because we got lost on the way THERE. -.-

so THEN, we're like "fuck wrong county" and call cakes (who we THOUGHT would be home from class at the time) to google map it for us and figure out where the fuck we were. i knew fi had work and i felt stupid calling her and being like "adur we're lost. again."

cakes is NOT home. oh, and did i mention my fucking PHONE WAS DYING? well it was. so THEN cakes calls me back and we figure out where we are and how to get home and then we're like "oh awesome" and move to turn the car on...

...and you've got to be shitting me. the fucking CAR won't start.

so then we're like "uh cakes, car won't start and we have no phone battery HALP" and cakes, being awesome, actually fucking DRIVES TO SAN MARCOS TO FIND US. cue waiting. lots of waiting. and fearing zombie hillbillies.

cakes arrives! we're saved! ...except cakes forgot HER phone D: and we don't know any tow truck numbers anyway, and everything is generally horrible and my phone is about to die so i've got it off except for omg emergencies like calling god and asking him to teleport us back to civilization.

turns out cakes has jumper cables, and last-ditch effort to make the car work before we sacrifice someone to zombie hillbillies (if we left the car there we thought it might get towed and gone forever) and roam off to look for a towing station or payphone that takes dollar bills...we try to jump the car.

OH HAPPY DAY car works. so then we drive back--we head to cakes' house as it's closer and we need a phone stat. we get there and are like "aefhjakefjlwefjaewflkaewflkw AAAAHHHHH" and cakes gets her phone and lappy and decides she's going to accompany us on our shit-tastic day so we're not so alone. seriously. a million ♥ for cakes.

cakes is sick of driving so we leave her car at her place, and on the way back julie calls her on her phone, saving us the trouble of calling work and exploding all about our harble wacky adventure of doom. we get back and i plug my phone in and it won't turn on anyway because it's fucking RETARDED so it charges and then i call work.

and am on hold for ten minutes.

and then i talk to pops, who sounds horrendously frazzled, and he says we have to come in as soon as possible.

and i was just like "... Oo;..." and hung up the phone.

so now we're doing LAUNDRY since we were planning on washing them when we got back from san marcos at like motherfucking THREE instead of SEVEN and our work shirts are disgustingly coated in red sauce and coffee and wine, and they're drying and by the time we're at all equipped to show up they probably won't even need us anyway, and the LAST thing i want to do is go to work right now since i'm about to burst into tears ANYWAY. i feel like, instead of calling and trying to explain ourselves, i should have just let it lie and not done ANYTHING and taken a bunch of heat for something that WASNT EVEN OUR FAULT tomorrow. because now instead of just not calling and not showing up, we no-call no-showed and THEN called and were TOLD to come in and then didn't come in--no one wants a server decked out in day-old someone-else's food, and mia needs a shower as she was the one to jump the car and is totally slathered in carnasty and OH MY FUCKING GOD.

i don't want to. i really don't. i'm about to cry and everything is horrible and we're in enough trouble as it is and WAUGH. i'm SORRY i couldn't call; i'm SORRY our clothes are gross; i'm SORRY mia's gross and you only had one saluta and we got lost and the car wouldn't start and oh FUCK believe it, this has been a shitty day and I. AM. SORRY.

when our clothes are dry, i'll call and see if they still need us, i guess... maybe i'll make mia do it, since i'm about to puke up my lunch from nerves. my fingers are so cold i can hardly feel them, and if i could afford to quit and never show my face there again, i so would.

miserable failure.